


Forever

by AmiAttemptsToWrite



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ash Lynx Needs A Hug, Ash Lynx and Okumura Eiji Go to Japan, Ash deserved better, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Domestic Fluff, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Everyone Is Gay, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff, Gay, Gay Parents, Healing, Implied Sexual Content, Internalized Homophobia, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug, Prostitution, Rape Recovery, Recovery, Romance, fight me miss yoshida
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2020-08-13 16:47:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 41,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20177530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmiAttemptsToWrite/pseuds/AmiAttemptsToWrite
Summary: It is October 4th, 1986, when Ash gets stabbed in front of the library. It is October 6th, 1986, when Eiji is sitting by his hospital bed, fifth espresso for the night in hand, silently praying to whomever's listening that his friend survives.-----Another alternate ending, following Ash and Eiji on the bumpy road called recovery, as they fight each other's demons side by side.When you add love into the equation called life after trauma.Well.Life gets even more complicated.





	1. October 1986

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter contains angst in the first bit. Look after yourself yall.

  
I

_October 4th_

It was a cold autumn afternoon when Ash was handed a letter. He was too stunned to speak when Sing gave him a crumpled envelope addressed to _"__Dear Ash"_ in familiar, cramped handwriting. He had made his peace with never seeing Eiji again. He was certain his hospital visit was the last time he would see Eiji, and, consequentially, endanger his life.

He was only vaguely aware of Sing saying something. Yelling, maybe. There was thunder roaring in his ears, his mind fuzzy, and he couldn't hear anything. There existed only him and the letter.

The letter, the letter.

Eiji had written him a letter.

Just when Ash thought he could let Eiji slip through his fingers, pretend as if he would forget Ash existed if he were never to see him again, despite knowing it was a big fat lie, there he was again, reminding Ash that he is with him, no matter where he goes. Even bound in a wheelchair and about to board and airplane, his caring nature found its way into Ash's hands. As he opened the envelope with shaky fingers, something caught his eye.

It was a ticket to a plane for Tokyo, Japan.

He felt a warmth enveloping him, the very same one he had told Blanca about merely an hour ago, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

_Ash —_  
_I’m worried to death because I haven’t been able to see you doing well._

_You said we live in different worlds. But is that true?_  
_We have different colored skin and eyes. We were born in different countries._  
_But we’re friends. Isn’t that what counts?_

Oh Eiji. Ash wished that was the only thing that separated them. How he wished he could live like a normal person, without having to look over his shoulder for every second he spent awake, and how he wished he didn't hurt Eiji by staying close to him. How he wished he could be by Eiji's side and see his birthplace, spend his time with him without having to think ten, twenty steps ahead to keep them both safe. He had always hated wishful thinking but now that Eiji was going away, he let himself indulge a little. Because wishing never hurt anyone, did it? Nobody would even know how badly he wanted something so far out of reach.

_I'm really glad I came to America. I met lots of people._  
_And more than anything, I met you._

Ash's mouth fell on it's own.

_You asked me over and over if you scared me. But I never feared you, not once._  
_What’s more is you’re hurt much more than me. I couldn’t help feeling that way._  
_Funny, huh?_  
_You’re way smarter, bigger, and stronger than me._

No. It wasn't funny. It was the biggest truth Ash had ever been told in his 18 years in this world. Eiji was the first person who was never even wary of him, who never, ever, wished him any harm or wanted anything from him. He was the kindest, purest soul Ash had ever met.

_But I always felt like I had to protect you._

When Ash read that sentence something shattered in him. He couldn't tell if it was his heart or his resolve to not see him, but there were hot tears streaming down his face as he bolted to his feet, running as fast as his legs could carry him. Eiji has always been there for him, in the short time they've known each other. He was stupid to not even say goodbye to the person who cared about him more than for his own life.

Ash thought he had never before in his life felt such a spectrum of emotions - nostalgia, warmth, fear, love, care, _happiness._ They were all bubbling in him like caramelized sugar as he ran, his breathing growing heavier and more sporadic by the second.

He felt so much he wanted to scream. Eiji's emotions were so obvious in the letter and they were mixing with his own to the point where he wasn't able to tell if he was feeling something of his or of Eiji's.

He didn't even finish the letter, he just kept running, not even bothering to look where he was going.

There was no one around him and then there was and his eye caught a glint, a shine, a reflection and he wasn't quick enough. There was suddenly a sharp pain in his side, something hot and wet dripping from it, his eyes widening in shock, reality hitting him with everything it's got.

His mind was loud, someone was saying something but it didn't register, his heart void of emotion as his right hand instinctively retreated to the back pocket of his jeans, as he aimed and pulled the trigger at his attacker.

He didn't wait for Lao's body to hit the floor.

He reached for the letter he had dropped when the knife met his abdomen, his breathing now heavy. He winced in pain when he stood up and realized he couldn't keep running. He was painfully reminded of why he had stayed away from Eiji in the first place. This was fate's cruel reminder that he didn't belong in the world that was free of violence. This was a reminder that killing and blood and danger would follow him like a shadow, no matter where he went.

Careful not to get blood on the piece of soul Eiji had so selflessly given him, he dragged his feet inside the library, slowly, painfully slowly, until he reached his favorite reading spot.

He was overwhelmed. He felt the throbbing in his side but it hardly mattered because he had Eiji, he had his letter and his love contained in that letter and as long as he kept on reading he would be okay. He would be loved and he would feel loved, he just needed to keep reading.

_I wonder what it is I wanted to protect you from._  
_I wanted to protect you from fate._  
_The fate that tries to carry you away, drifting futher and futher._

_'You did protect me,'_ thought Ash as another tear rolled down his cheeks. It was getting harder to concentrate. He felt sleepy and his vision was going dark.

_You told me once about a leopard you read in a book. How you believed that leopard knew that it couldn’t go back. And I said you weren’t a leopard, that you could change your destiny._

He couldn't. It was a nice, comforting thought, but Ash knew better. He heard the draft of a plane taking off and soaring into the sky. He was crying as he raised his head, even though he wasn't able to see Eiji taking that leap of faith into the sky. Finally, Eiji was free.

_You’re not alone. I’m by your side. My soul is always with you._

_— Eiji Okumura_

Ash was crying but he wasn't sad. He was happy, he was at peace, because Eiji said his soul is with him and Eiji doesn't lie, Eiji loves him and he is there with him, lulling him to sleep. He felt his consciousness leaving him and he thought it was so sweet. He was no longer in pain, he was numb to it, he didn't remember his past nor his present, there wasn't any nightmare lurking around the corner, he wasn't conscious any more.

He felt loved and cherished, and it was such a beautiful feeling.

II

_October 6th_

It was raining as if there was no tomorrow and Eiji thought he was imagining things when he caught a small movement from the immobile figure on the bed next to him. Setting his fifth espresso for the night on the bedside table, he stood up and watched closely.

_Nothing._

Even if the small wriggle of the fingers was real and not a product of his overly caffeinated mind, Ash did not repeat the movement, nor did he open his eyes and Eiji's heart sank a little more.

He was severely jetlagged and he stiffled a yawn. He didn't want to sleep, not when his heart was aching at the sight in front of him. The only sound in the small hospital room they were in was the steady beeping of the heart monitor attached to Ash's chest. It was the only thing that gave him hope of Ash waking up. He could hear it, he could hear the heartbeat strong and steady and even, and calmed Eiji's strained nerves.

How it came to this, Eiji didn't know. When Sing had called him, panic in his voice, and hurriedly told him what had happened, Eiji's mind went blank. Maybe Sing had told him more. He probably had, knowing him. But Eiji hadn't heard a word after _"He was stabbed Eiji, he lost a lot of blood -"_

It was a lucky coincidence that there was a Tokyo-New York flight that night. It was another lucky coincidence that Ash had transferred half of the money he stole from Dino to Eiji's debit card earlier so he was able to pay for the ticket on-site. Eiji was lucky, and he thanked the gods he was. He flew right back to New York, he did not call his family, he did not offer any explanation. He did not want to speak to anyone until he saw for himself that Ash was awake and well.

Ibe-san tried to take him home by force but Eiji was stronger and faster and had yelled at him not to stop him. He was probably angry, Eiji thought, but that mattered little when his friend was lying motionless in a hospital bed.

And now he was here, at Ash's side. His face was paler than Eiji had ever seen it that way, there was darkness under his eyes and Eiji's heart kept breaking the more he spent looking at him. He was silently praying Ash would wake up soon.

Eiji yawned, then took the coffee that had cooled to room temperature and gulfed it down in one go. He wouldn't go to sleep, he promised himself. He wouldn't.

His limbs were tired and he thought he might collapse if he were to stand up again. He sat back down and leaned on the bed, next to Ash's shoulder. His vision was blurry and he felt himself drifting away, despite the coffee and the promise he made to himself.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when two familiar jade eyes fluttered open and a mop of blond hair turned to the side look at him.

"E-ei-" Ash tried to get out but his voice was cracking and it sounded so pained Eiji couldn't bear to hear it.

"Shh, don't speak, you'll hurt yourself," Eiji whispered quickly.

_Finally._

_Ash was awake._

Something heavy was lifted off Eiji's chest and he wanted to burst from how much he was feeling. He didn't know why he was whispering when there was only the two of them in the room, but it was probably for the best. He didn't trust his voice not to shout at the top of his lungs that his friend was okay and that the worst was over. He reached a hand and cupped Ash's cheek, only to find it wet.

"No, shh, don't cry," he tried to comfort him but he was crying too. Tears were blurring his vision and he wiped them quickly with the back of his hand. "Don't cry, it is okay, you are okay -" Eiji trailed off. He was stroking Ash's cheek and Ash was leaning into the touch, like a little kitten.

"You are okay, I am here Ash, I will always be here," Eiji whispered, and he didn't know if he was comforting Ash or himself. He was wiping away Ash's tears that weren't stopping and he was whispering every comforting thing his exhausted brain could think of. It was getting increasingly difficult to translate from Japanese to English and he wasn't even sure that Ash understood half of what he said, but it didn't matter because Ash was _alive_.

"Eiji -" Ash managed, his voice sandpaper rough. "Eiji, how -"

Eiji pressed his index finger to Ash's lips. "Do not speak Ash, please. You are not well. You need to rest now, no?"

Eiji reminded himself to breathe. He didn't realize how tense he was, not knowing what to expect. There were tears pricking in the corners of his eyes, threatening to spill, but he didn't want to cry. Ash was okay, he was awake and he would survive this. Eiji didn't want Ash to see him crying. He needed to be strong, for both of them.

"I am very glad you are alright," Eiji told him in a small voice. "We will talk tomorrow."

Ash opened his mouth to protest, but closed it when he saw Eiji yawning again. Eiji was grateful it was the dead of night so Ash couldn't see how horrible he looked. He was aware of his greasy hair and that he looked like a mess and that his eyes probably looked as if he got punched in the face. He didn't want Ash to be worried about him.

"We could both use some rest, no?" Eiji smiled weakly at him and touched his pinky finger to Ash's. "Pinky promise?"

Ash nodded, the motion barely visible, and linked their pinkies together.

"Promise."

III

_October 20th_

"Got everything you need?"

They were at the New York airport, waiting for the flight to Tokyo to board. Ash was standing nervously, looking around for any sign of danger, any misstep, wrong glance, a gesture out of place that would give away an attacker waiting in ambush.

There wasn't any.

"Yes, everything is here," said Eiji, an emotion Ash wasn't able to quite place in his voice. "Ash -"

"I know."

"You promise?"

Ash took a deep breath.

"Yeah. Promise."

Eiji continued hesitantly. "So, a year to settle things. And a year for me to find an apartment."

Ash nodded his head. He couldn't believe he was actually doing this.

"And then you come."

"And then I come."

Eiji smiled at him. He looked a lot better than when Ash had first seen him in the hospital during daytime. He had never felt quite as guilty as he had then. When he'd seen how sunken Eiji's eyes were and when Eiji had told him how he got back to America, Ash wanted to scream that he should have just stayed where he was. He felt guilty enough as it is, even without Eiji sacrificing so much for him.

Eiji didn't seem to mind it, though.

It was always useless telling him to stay away. He never listened. And Ash appreciated that more than anything else in the world, although he would never admit it.

Slowly, Eiji spread his arms out, a wide smile gracing his lips. Ash came closer and let Eiji hug him. He rested his head on a tuft of soft hair that smelled of an oceam scented shampoo they used at home, and it was such a familiar smell Ash felt a prick of nostalgia.

_Home._

Home is where Eiji is, Ash realized. Where there is Eiji, there is warmth. There were hands gently wrapping around him and Ash exhaled loudly, allowing himself to relish in the moment.

"Are you alright? Does your wound hurt?" Eiji asked, concern evident in his voice. It pulled Ash's lips into a smile.

"I'm not an old man like you, gramps," he teased.

It took Eiji exactly one second to recover and pull at a strand of his hair. Ash yelped playfully.

"You are in - no, un - ARGH! You make me so mad sometimes!"

"You need more Sesame Street. I think the word you were looking for is _insufferable_."

Eiji puffed out his cheeks like a little kid would and crossed his arms over his chest. "You destroy the moment."

Ash quirked an eyebrow up. Teasing Eij was a top-tier for his new favorite hobby. "Oh? We were having a moment?"

He watched and witnessed as Eii's cheeks changed color from normal to pink to tomato red in just under a moment. A new record.

"Yes! We were!"

"Geez, someone is being fussy."

"Yes! It's you!"

"Do you even know what fussy _means_?"

Eiji smirked, his face breaking into a shit-eating grin. "You are that word with a p."

_Oh._

_That bastard._

They kept going at it for a solid minute, ignoring the disapproving looks of the passerby. Ash was having too much fun to pay them any attention. As he peaked over Eiji's shoulder, he noticed a small crowd forming in line to board Eiji's plane. The fun was soon to come to an end.

He tapped Eiji on the forearm, pointing to the crowd with his other hand. "You should go."

Eiji fell silent for a moment before he replied. "I don't want to say goodbye. Not to you," he said almost shyly, his expression changing to something between sadness and longing.

"Then don't say it." Ash smiled. "Let this be a _'until next time'_."

"We will meet in a year then?"

"We will. And you better not feed me any natto while I'm there, you sick psycho," Ash says and sticked his tongue out at Eiji.

"Tsk. You just have no taste."

"Whatever grandpa."

"Again the grandpa joke? You are eighteen now. You are grandpa too."

"You're a bigger one, though."

Eiji sighed, defeated. Ash extended his hand to Eiji and he took it in his own. He gave it a light squeeze.

"Until next time, Eiji."

"Until next time, Ash."

Their touch lingered for just another moment before Ash let his hand find its way to his jeans' pocket again, and Eiji's settled on his new suitcase. He turned around and slowly walked away to give his ticket and passport to the airport staff.

The last time Ash saw Eiji that day, Eiji was smiling and waving, until he had to go settle in the plane and Ash couldn't see him any more.

_'A year, huh,'_ Ash thought.


	2. March 1989

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter contains very light angst. It's not much, and it has a happy ending with a lot of bantering of oblivious gays.

I

It was three long years later that Ash had finally taken off into the air.

He gripped the arm of the chair tightly, knuckles turning white. There were strangers sitting near him and on a rational level, Ash knew there is nothing to fear because of the strict airport security regulations, but that didn't stop his mind from racing, going over fighting maneuvres, how to escape a grip, how to pin an attacker to the ground, the best strategy for the worst-case scenario.

He shook his head, as if that would make it all go away. There was no turning back now.

Truth be told, he was scared. It took him a while to tie every loose end into a dead knot, so it never got unfolded. He had spent longer than planned in New York, thus not keeping his end of the promise he and Eiji had made to each other. Of course, Eiji didn't blame him. Eiji understood. He always did. But that was because Eiji didn't know everything that had been going through Ash's mind for the past three years and Ash was planning on keeping it that way.

He didn't want to know what Eiji would say if he found out Ash planned on breaking his promise from the moment he'd made it. 

II

It was the asscrack of dawn when Eiji stood fidgeting in the Tokyo airport. He had tried sitting down but he couldn't stay put in his seat so he was currently impatiently tapping his right foot on the polished waiting area floor.

His plane had safely landed about 10 minutes ago and a lot of passengers had already come off the plane, but there was still no familiar mop of blond hair in sight.

Eiji sighed. What was taking him so long?

Another minute passed and still no Ash.

Just as Eiji was starting to consider breaking every codex of proper behavior at an airport and run to the terminal to see what was going on, he saw him. He saw his friend carrying a small suitcase, a playful smile tugging at his lips.

Eiji beamed. It was improper to run at an airport, his mother had taught him. He was too excited and overwhelmed to care.

He sprinted to Ash, who had just barely stepped foot in the waiting area and had to physically stop himself from throwing his entire bodyweight on Ash's very tired figure. Instead, he slowed his pace and stopped moving altogether just a few inches short of Ash.

Eiji experienced a kind of a déjà vu when he opened his arms wide, three long years after the last time he had done so, and waited for Ash to come into them.

He was smiling like a fool, he was aware. But so was Ash and it made Eiji's heart soar.

Letting his suitcase stand aside, Ash raised his arms and wrapped them around Eiji, the déjà vu intensifying. He leaned his head against Eiji's and took a deep breath.

"Hi, _onii-san_," he said.

_Typical._

"You did not see me in long time and first thing you tell me is hi? You are terrible," Eiji teased back. In those three years he had spent back home, his English had gotten worse. It sounded more broken in his ears than it had before.

Ash turned so he was facing Eiji directly.

And stuck his tongue out at him.

"W-what? Very mature out of you!"

"Gee Eiji, if you didn't want me here you could've just said so." Ash was smirking. The smug bastard.

"Wha- you know what?" He said, grabbing the handle of Ash's suitcase. "We are going home, and you will shower because you stink -"

Ash pouted at that. What a kid.

" - and then I will feed you natto as punishment."

If Eiji didn't know better, he would've sworn he saw Ash turn green in the face. He crossed his arms over his chest like a toddler who was mad his parents brought home a sibling.

"I don't _stink_," he grumbled. "And if I knew you would torture me with that disgusting bean stuff, I would think twice about coming here."

"You have no taste. And if you must know, there are plenty other disgusting foods I intend to torture you with." Like mozuku. Or wasabi. Or yamaimo. Foreigners usually hated that stuff. The list was endless. Eiji doubted Ash knew what any of those were but that made the whole situation funnier to him.

Ash groaned.

There was little left to say after that, although Eiji was bursting with questions. The ride from the airport to the apartment Eiji was renting was relatively silent.

Not that Eiji minded.

It reminded him of how Ash would be surrounded by silence and serenity while he was reading. Eiji'd always felt bad about interrupting him. He'd wanted Ash to stay at peace and not worry about the circumstances for at least that hour or two he spent reading.

He was feeling something similar now.

He didn't want to break the silence. If Ash wanted to talk, then he'd have to start the conversation himself. Until then, Eiji would offer him silent company.

Ash yawned quite a few times while they were driving. Eiji guessed he was jetlagged. Changing timezones was a difficult thing for everybody to get over after a flight.

"So Eiji," Ash said, startling Eiji from his thoughts. "Got a girlfriend yet?"

Eiji almost drove through a red light. He stepped on the brake with too much force and they both jerked forward from the impact of the stop.

"W-what? No!"

Ash had a sly smile on his mouth. "I think somebody's lyiiiing," he said in a sing-song voice. "I think you scored the hottest chick from your hood."

"I did not!"

"Liaaaar," sang Ash, arms crossed under his head as he lay sprawled on the shotgun seat, feet on the dashboard. Eiji wrote a mental note to himself to smack him for dirtying his car later.

"And why are you so interested, huh?" he fired back. "Do _you_ have a girlfriend?"

The green light turned on just when Ash's cheeks changed color to red.

"And what if I do?"

Eiji smirked.

"Liaaaaaar," teased Eiji, mimicking Ash's sing-song tone.

"I told you, I have a girlfrie -"

"Suuuure."

"Eiji, I'm warning you -" said Ash, his face tomato red in the rearview mirror.

"I totally believe you. One hundred percent," Eiji said in a mock voice, sarcasm dripping from the tone.

Ash pouted again and it reminded Eiji of how child-like he looked when he did that. They fell into another comfortable silence that ended relatively quickly.

They had arrived to their apartment.

Turning off the engine and taking his key, Eiji pushed the car doors open. Together they took Ash's belongings and carried them to the fourth and last floor of the miniscule building they would live together in.

As Eiji fumbled with the key to the place, he was suddenly starting to feel very self-conscious about the apartment. It was very small, and unfortunately, the only one Eiji could afford.

He was hoping Ash wouldn't mind.

"Welcome," he said. Ash seemed curious and Eiji saw his gaze flicker from corner to corner. It made him more aware of the humbleness of the place. "I know it is not like one we had in America. I'm so -"

Ash chuckled. Eiji didn't think he had said anything funny.

"Some things never change with you, do they, _onii-san_?" When Eiji gave him a puzzled look, Ash huffed a laugh. "You still apologize. For no reason."

Oh.

Eiji supposed he was guilty of that. He scratched the back of his head.

"I guess I do, huh?" Said Eiji, returning Ash's giggles. He was glad such a small, familiar thing made Ash feel more relaxed. "Let me show you where everything is," he suggested, although that was very unnecessary, considering the layout of the place.

It was a tiny, one bedroom apartment and you could practically see where every room was from standing in the doorway. For one reason or another, Ash decided to humor him and let him give him a mini tour.

He showed Ash the small open kitchen that was connected to the living room. There was a radio in there, a couch, a coffee table and a desk littered with Eiji's photography equipment. Eiji showed him where the bathroom was, as well as the small balcony. That left the bedroom.

"And here is your room," he said and opened the door. "I moved my things to the living room desk and shelves and I changed the sheets for you. I was using it until now."

When he looked at Ash, he seemed baffled. "Why are you moving out of your own room? It's yours," he said.

"It is yours now."

"Eiji -"

"Ash, it is your room. It was supposed to be your room from the beginning. I was just using it because," he paused, swallowing hard," because you took a long time to arrive," he finished in a small voice. He wasn't planning on telling Ash that, but in the whim of the moment he reallycouldn't think of a better excuse.

Ash's face was a blank slate. "I don't want you sleeping on the couch. It'll hurt your old man back."

"It is actually very comfortable," said Eiji. "I was sleep there for few days until my bed and other things came from my family house. It was alright, I promise," he tried convincing him. "Besides," he smiled, "you are my guest here. You should feel at home."

Ash sighed tiredly. Eiji knew this fight wasn't over yet, it was merely postponed until Ash felt like himself again.

"I will unpack your things. You can go shower," said Eiji warmly. The fact that Ash was here was finally starting to sink in.

Without a word, Ash opened his suitcase and took out clean underwear and a pajama. Eiji almost missed what he said next as he walked to the bathroom.

"I do feel at home," he said, his voice fading behind closing doors. It was such a quiet, barely audible whisper but Eiji knew it was sincere.

It brought a smile to his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope you enjoyed their reunion and bantering 😘
> 
> I did some research on Japanese foods that foreigners typically dislike when they first land in Japan, since I'm not Japamese myself and have no clue lol
> 
> Mozuku is a Japanese seaweed that looks like something a plumber would take out of the drain. A lot of tourists can't stand the taste, according to quora.
> 
> Yamaimo is a type of yam native to Japan and it's super slimy. A lot of foreigners are disgusted by the taste, again, according to quora.
> 
> Wasabi is a plant native to Japan that is used as a paste to go along with sushi. Its taste is very intense and hot, and people usually compare it to hot mustard. Ash might actually like this at first, but I think his tongue would fall off due to the spicyness.


	3. May 1989

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter is heavy on angst and implications.

Eiji doesn't think anything's out of the ordinary when he doesn't see Ash get up on some mornings. Sometimes he wakes up to see him off to work, and sometimes he sleeps in. To Eiji, it was practically normal - his American friend had lead a very erratic sleep schedule for almost his entire life so it really shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone.

That was the first thing he was wrong about.

He found out by several lucky coincidences that something was not alright. It wasn't anything big, no. It was the small things, the tone of Ash's words when he spoke, the frantic, attentive glances he cast around every public area they walked in, thinking Eiji wouldn't notice, the fidgeting of his fingers that would sometimes reach to his back pocket and grasp around thin air.

No one but Eiji would call those _l__ucky_, and yet to him they were, because whatever it was that helped Eiji understand Ash better was considered luck in Eiji's eyes.

At night, Ash still woke up startled, sweat sticking his blond hair to his forehead, his breathing heavy. Eiji's heart would painfully clench when he would hear him enter the kitchen and pour himself a glass of water. As much as he wanted to get up and talk to him, something in him told him to leave him be, that Ash wouldn't appreciate company in times like those.

That was the second thing Eiji was wrong about.


	4. June 1989

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter contains heavy angst. Look after yourself.

Eiji rubbed at his throbbing temples, sighing tiredly as he put his pencil down. He was suffering a headache that just wouldn't go away.

Work had been hard to find.

He had been job hunting for well over a month for a decently paid job as a photographer. He was ready to do just about anything - journalism, magazines, freelance photoshoots, wildlife photography, _anything_. But aside from one wedding gig he'd been hired for in the past month, photography-related work had been hard to find.

No matter where he went, he got rejected. The reasons varied, but to Eiji it mattered little. What truly mattered was how he and Ash would cover the month's rent.

Their landlord was not happy with them. They were late paying rent last month, and the meticulous and very strict old lady in her sixties _did not_ like that. So on top of bills, groceries, their car breaking down, and transportation costs, they had to cover rent as well. And there wasn't enough money to cover all those things at once.

He was stuck working as a waiter in a local café full time and was now filling out a resumé for working in a 24/7 restaurant. Despite Ash begging him not to, he had applied for the night shifts. It was dangerous, but it paid more. They needed the money.

He didn't tell Ash that but he sometimes pretended not to be hungry when he came home back from work. They needed to cut some costs, so if he had to limit his food, then so be it. Ash didn't eat much anyway, he didn't smoke nor drink, he really didn't spend much on himself, so Eiji didn't have the heart to ask him to skip meals. He could handle some hunger.

As he finished filling out the job application, he stacked the papers neatly and put them in a folder. He needed to take up a job that paid more as soon as possible, otherwise he dared not think about what would happen.

He was scared. He didn't want to talk to Ash about it, out of fear he would pack his bags and leave. Maybe he would, Eiji thought to himself. It was difficult to know what to expect from him sometimes. Eiji wouldn't put it past Ash to pack up and leave him. Ash would probably think it was for the best, that Eiji would be better off without him, that it would be easier to survive this storm.

Eiji's heart contracted painfully at the mere thought. He shook his head, willing it away. It sent unpleasant goosebumps all over his body, something Eiji downright _hated_.

He inhaled deeply in a silent prayer to the gods that everything turns out alright. He and Ash needed a miracle.


	5. August 1989

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter contains heavy angst. There's no happy ending.

Ash hadn't eaten for nearly 24 hours.

Despite the growling and protesting of his empty stomach, he found he had no appetite.

Why was it that he brought suffering with him where ever he went? Why is it that he had to bring suffering to _Eiji_, of all people, the best person he'd met in the middle of hell that was his life, the person whom he cared for more than for himself? Why, why, why?

If only he had stayed put in New York. He could have transferred the money he stole from Golzine fully to Eiji, instead of paying forged documents with it. Why had he been so stupid and thoughtless?

He wasn't worth this. He wasn't worth his friend working his ass off so he can feed them both and pay for all other expenses that come with renting an apartment.

Ash wasn't blind. Eiji wasn't eating and it was clear as day.

His eyes had become sunken and his cheeks lost the chubbiness they always possessed. His clothes no longer fit him well - they hung loosely off him, as if his shoulders were a closet hanger.

A light knock at the door startled him from his thoughts.

"Ash?" Came a tired voice from the other end of the door. "Can I come in?"

Ash got up and opened the door for him, letting him inside. They sat down on the bed and only then did Ash notice how terrible Eiji looked. And it was all his fault.

That's right.

He was the one to blame.

Wasn't he always the reason for Eiji's suffering? God, he'd been so stupid. Coming to Japan was the biggest mistake he'd ever made.

He heard a tired chuckle. "Why that face? I got paid today, let's be happy for it," he added, trying to sound casual, but Ash was too aware of the meaning hidden between the lines of those words. He had been paid but that money would disappear as quickly as it appeared. They couldn't afford themselves being kicked out of the apartment.

Half of it would go for rent, and the other half they would have to stretch thin as best they could.

Ash stayed silent. If he had only stayed put. If only he hadn't been so foolish. If only he wasn't so useless. He didn't know Japanese well enough for people to hire him yet. If only he -

"Ash," Eiji said gently. "Your stomach is grumbling," he said, concern evident in his voice. Now that Ash paid attention to it, he heard the upset sounds his abdomen was making.

_Hypocrite_.

"So is yours."

Eiji smiled weakly. "I did not think you knew."

"Fuck this," cussed Ash. "Fuck this, Eiji. Why did I even come here?"

"Please don't say that, Ash," Eiji pleaded. "We will get through this -"

"You wouldn't be in this situation if I hadn't come," Ash said darkly. He pulled his knees up to his chest, trying to make himself small. He had been so full of himself when he thought life would get easier if he followed through with the promise he gave to Eiji.

"If you hadn't come," Eiji said seriously, "my life would be miserable. I would be all alone again. I wouldn't have you."

The directness of his words stung Ash's heart.

Eiji obviously didn't know what was good for him.

Ash was a troublemaker. A burden. A dangerous criminal. What was he doing? He should have left a long time ago.

"Ash," Eiji pleaded again, shuffling closer to him on the bed. "Ash please don't say such things. It is difficult, but we will make it."

Ash had stopped listening to him. He heard him. But he couldn't pay attention to his words. He was putting Eiji in pain again. He wasn't deserving of all the care Eiji was selflessly giving him.

Minutes rolled by and Ash wasn't sure if Eiji said anything more. He felt the mattress shuffle and Eiji's weight was gone off it. The bedroom floor creaked as he left the room wordlessly, his shoulders slumped.

Ash felt worthless.


	6. October 1989

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: THIS IS WHERE ANGST GETS HEAVIER. 
> 
> Read the tags. Angst is getting a little brutal, and the trend will continue for several chapters.

There was a barely audible, almost too easy to miss _click_ in the keyhole before the door to their apartment cracked open just enough to let a tall, skinny figure slip inside. If Eiji hadn't been listening cautiously, for a change in the atmosphere, a breath that wasn't his own, or a familiar footstep, he wouldn't have even heard it.

He scrambled to the door, his heart in his heel, and almost threw himself on the person standing in the doorway in the early hours of the morning.

"Ash! Oh Ash, where _were_ you -" Eiji started mumbling, his voice muffled by the front of Ash's hoodie. His speech was slurred and he had no idea if what he said came out in English or in Japanese, and therefore, if Ash could understand him or not. He felt relief washing over him like a tsunami. Ash was back from where ever he was and he was finally home, safe and sound. He squeezed Ash hard and felt him wince but he did not loosen his grip.

The relief was short-lived.

It took Eiji a full minute of hugging Ash a little too tightly to be comfortable for either of them to realize Ash didn't answer his question. When Eiji looked up to his face to repeat what he asked, he was met with a pair of eyes that he could only describe as _stony._

There was no emotion behind them. They looked rigid and cold, and it took Eiji by such surprise that he let go of Ash as if he were a piece of burning coal placed in the palm of his bare hand.

Something was wrong.

"Ash," Eiji started gently, "Ash are you okay? I was so worried, I almost called the police to look for you."

No response. Eiji's stomach clenched uncomfortably.

"Ash, talk to me," begged Eiji.

Ash kicked his sneakers off and hung his jacket on the hanger by the door, his demeanor disstressigly calm. There was a cold, almost hostile aura around him that Eiji didn't remember seeing in him before.

It was then that Eiji noticed Ash's neck was littered with bruises.

He hadn't had them when Eiji last saw him.

"Ash -"

"I'm off to bed."

"Ash, please -"

"You deaf? I said I'm off to bed," Ash snapped at him. He marched to his room, the atmosphere in the apartment growing suffocatingly tense. It felt like he was talking to a brick wall.

He pretended that didn't put a crack on his heart.

"Ash it's 6 in the morning, where have you been -" Eiji pleaded, voice rushed and desperate. The door of Ash's room slammed itself shut before Eiji could finish his sentence. There was a _click_ and the door was now locked.

Eiji felt his heart sink.

Never, even at the lowest of his lows, did Ash slam a door at his face and shut himself off like this. _Never._

It was useless keeping the tears from wetting his cheeks. He felt his heart painfully squeezing in his chest, leaving little room for breathing. He wanted more than anything to stand guard by Ash's door until he decided to come out and talk to him, but reality called in the form of his alarm clock.

It was time to get ready for work.


	7. November 1989

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING (i know yall are sick of these but I gotta stay safe): more angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi sad banana fandom 🍌
> 
> Dialogue written between < and > is spoken in Japanese.

A telephone rang in a small and relatively quiet police department.

<"This is the Izumo Police Department. How can we help?">

<_"My friend has gone misssing,"_> the voice at the other end of the telephone line trembled as its owner spoke.

<"When was the last fime you saw your friend?">

<_"Three days ago. Afternoon hours."_>

<"We will need your name and address so we can send operatives to -">

<_"Ash!"_>

_Beep._

_Beep._


	8. April 1990

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: innocent fluff. You have been warned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? Two updates in a day? Is it because she's a hard working author?
> 
> (Lmao no, it's actually bc I felt bad for my readers. Yall have suffered so much from both me and Yoshida at this point so have some fluff as compensation for this torture)

"Tag! You're it!" Ash smacked him on the head and sprinted over their small apartment, jumping over the couch and scrambling through the kitchen.

"I will get you for this!" Eiji yelled back playfully.

They've been playing tag for the past hour and Eiji was dead certain their neighbors would come at night to strangle them both over the noise they were making.

He bolted after Ash, flinging his arm out to grab at Ash's hand but he was quicker. Ash quickly changed direction, breezed past Eiji and made a break for the bedroom.

Big mistake.

That room, aside from the bathroom, was the only room that wasn't out in the open.

Which gave Eiji the oportunity to take him prisoner there.

Smiiling smugly to himself, he rushed to the bedroom and was faced with an Ash armed by a pillow.

"Come at me if you dare, _onii-san_," he said, a shit-eating grin plastered on his face.

Eiji accepted the invitation.

Slamming the door shut, he leapt at Ash and before Ash could shove a pillow in his face, Eiji grabbed him by the waist, taking him by surprise, and threw them both on the bed. The room was filled with giggles and their laughter.

He pinned Ash down to the bed by sitting on him and started his merciless attack on his abdomen.

Who knew Ash was ticklish?

Eiji had found out on accident. Ash had been complaining of having a strained neck and Eiji had attempted to give him a massage, but Ash kept giggling and trying to wiggle out of his grasp. Eiji had never met someone who was ticklish over a _massage_ but he was used to Ash being a weirdo so that didn't really feel out of place.

Ash was wriggling underneath him, his face changing color to red from laughing so much. "Aha - aha ha ha! Ei - ha ha ha, stop - ha ha ha ha!"

His hair was all tousled and messy and happy tears were leaking from his eyes. Eiji laughed with him, enjoying the long-forgotten childhood game he used to play with his sister.

Eiji kept tickling him.

"Eijiii, no - ha ha ha ha!"

"Say magic words and I will stop!"

"NEVER!"

"Suit yourself!" Eiji screamed and increased the pace of the tickles. Ash was roaring with laughter, his limbs desperately trying to shake Eiji off, but it was no use. Eiji was heavier than him and Ash's physical strength was practically non-existent.

"Okay, okay, ha ha ha, I'll say it, ha ha ha!" As promised, Eiji stopped with the tickles. For now.

"I'm listening."

"Ha ha, ha ha, Madonna is better than Queen. There. Happy?"

Satisfied with the magic words, Eiji smirked.

"Very happy." He climbed off Ash and sat down next to him on the bed, allowing him to catch his breath.

"Hooooo, huh, okay, that was fun," said Ash merrily. "But for the record," he said as he looked up at Eiji from where he was lying, "Madonna isn't even _close _to being better than Queen. In fact," he added, and Eiji was certian it was just to spite him, "she is a very mediocre artist."

Eiji felt personally offended.

"How _dare_ you! Stupid American has no taste!"

"Wanna wrestle it out, old man?"

"Aargh!" Eiji shouted and threw himself back at Ash, who had his pillow still in hand and was using it as a shield. "Cheater!"

Ash giggled as they rolled around in bed, Eiji attempting another tickle torture and Ash insisting on provoking him. Right here, in Ash's bedroom, it was so easy to forget that they weren't children anymore.

Eiji didn't care.

He wanted Ash to be a child, even for just an hour or two, and take back the childhood that was stolen from him. Eiji had sworn long ago he would help him in any way he could.

He would be with him every step of the way.


	9. September 1990

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: this is super angsty, start to finish.

"Where did you get this?"

No response.

It's been like this for a while and Eiji's anxiety was only growing worse.

There was a hefty sum of money messily piled on their living room table and Eiji had no idea where it came from. By the looks of it, the bills were all 10 000 ¥ and there were too many for Eiji to count. At first glance, he counted around thirty. There might've been more.

Life hasn't been kind to them in the last year.

With Eiji as the only working member of their household holding two jobs that are just enough to cover rent and basic needs, they've been struggling to live even remotely comfortably. Money has been scarce and very carefully invested, and they didn't have a lot of it.

Until now.

Eiji's stomach clenched painfully and his heart sank.

"Ash, where did this money come from?"

No response.

Ash was sitting on the edge of their couch, his head hunched down. He hadn't looked Eiji in the eye for the past several weeks and for the first time in his life, Eiji didn't know how to get through to him.

"Ash please -"

"Whoring," Ash said finally, voice flat and emotionless.

A heavy silence filled the room. The revelation was crushing Eiji's lungs and breathing was getting difficult. He felt his heart racing and tears wetting his cheeks as he grabbed Ash by the shoulders and roughly pulled him into a hug. Eiji was shaking violently with tears. He felt Ash start to shake in his arms too, despite his feigned calmness.

Eiji felt like somebody'd stabbed him in the stomach. How was he so stupid? It hadn't even occured to him that this was why Ash went away at night.

He doesn't know how long they stayed like that, Eiji crushing Ash with his arms as they both trembled and cried. Eiji didn't remember ever feeling such anger and misery in the pit of his stomach. He felt so responsible, so guilty for not stopping Ash, for not _guessing_ that this was the reason for his sudden disappearances at night. He should've known better. He should've known Ash would do just about anything to keep them both alive and well.

When he felt he could trust his voice again he sank down so he was eye-level with Ash. He was still refusing to look Eiji in the eye.

Eiji cleared his throat and placed his hands on Ash's shoulders again. When Ash didn't budge, Eiji put his hand under his chin, and lifted his face up, a little too forcefully for it to be called tender, and looked at him.

"Ash," he started, voice raspy and cracking. It sounded like gravel in his ears. "Ash, listen to me," he spoke slowly, trying to make his words as loud and clear as he could muster. He swallowed hard. "Ash, I would rather _starve_ than have you doing... this -"

Ash smiled bitterly. "You can call it what it is Eiji. It's called _whoring_," he said, sounding more tired than Eiji had ever seen him before. His green eyes seemed distant and lifeless as Eiji held his face in the palm of his hand.

"I don't care what it's called!" Eiji yelled. He looked at Ash with such intensity he could swear made him flinch. "I. Would. Rather. Starve. Or not pay bills. Or get kicked out of here -"

Ash laughed humorlessly. "And then what?"

Eiji opened his mouth to speak but then closed it. The small space between them suddenly felt unbearably small.

"Ooh?" Ash cooed. "I left you speechless?"

"Stop it," Eiji growled.

"Stop _what_?"

"This! Stop it! I told you Ash, I -"

"Would rather starve? You _were_ starving before I sold myself for cash like some harlot from a brothel."

"Then let it be so!" Eiji yelled at the top of his lungs. There were tears welling in his eyes again, blurring his vision. He sniffled and wiped at his nose with his sleeve angirly. "I don't care! I do not want you selling your body, Ash! I don't care, I don't -" he trailed off, his voice turning incoherent as sobs ripped through him. "Please, p-promise -"

"Eiji -" Ash sounded broken.

"Promise me you won't do this again Ash," he mustered through tears. "Please?"

Silence filled the room. There was no response coming from Ash and Eiji's anxiety was running in overload, when he felt Ash's pinky finger brush his own. The gesture felt vaguely familiar.

"O-okay, Eiji," came an answer so quiet Eiji barely heard it. "I promise."

Eiji sniffled again and before he could go get a tissue, he felt one being placed around his nose.

"Go ahead," said Ash. "Blow."

Eiji did.

How Ash didn't find that gross he didn't know, but he was too tired to care or think too much about it. The emotional rollercoaster he and Ash had just gotten through left him feeling very drained and exhausted.

Ash twisted his torso and tossed the balled up tissue into the small trash bin they kept in the corner of the room. It bounced against the rim and fell in. Without a word, Ash stood up and took the money he had collected, stacking it neatly before handing it over to Eiji.

"I think," he started, taking a deep breath, "that we should use this now that we have it." He made a pause, and then, in a smaller voice, he added, "Let's not make it go to waste."

"I do not want to see that money ever again," Eiji said darkly.

"The faster we spend it," said Ash, quirking his lip in a smirk, "the less you'll have to look at it, _onii-san_."

"I am serious."

"I know."

"I think we should burn it," Eiji added darkly.

"That would mean I sucked that greasy old man's cock for nothing." Eiji's mouth fell open. Ash chuckled bitterly.

"Still so innocent. I admire that about you," he said in the saddest tone Eiji had ever heard him speak in. "He almost made me gag, Eiji," Ash added darkly, his expression emitting such sadness and defeat it gave Eiji goosebumps. "He held my head in place by grabbing my hair. He barely let me breathe as he fucked me in the mouth," Ash finished. He was starting to shake violently, his voice impossibly small and fragile.

Eiji was a grown man now. An adult. And yet he missed his mom. He felt like he would run to her embrace and cry until he was so tired he fell asleep with tears still wet on his cheeks and her holding him securely on her lap. Swallowing back his tears and ignoring his broken heart, Eiji rose from the couch and opened his arms out in an invitation. He wanted Ash to know that he always had a choice. Regardless of how small the gesture was.

So he stood with his arms spread wide, fighting against the urge to break down and cry again, as he waited for Ash to make his decision. He was just about to put them down when Ash took a step forward.

And then another.

And another.

And slowly, he walked into the pair of arms Eiji swore would be the arms in which he healed. He wrapped them around his back gently, as if he was holding a scared animal and gave Ash a light pat on the shoulder blades.

"I am sorry," he said in the softest tone he could. "I did not mean it like that."

He felt a pair of arms hugging him back so shyly and slowly he thought he was making it up.

"It's okay."

"We will spend it together. We can use it to cover rent -"

"Let's move out of here," Ash piped in. "The landlord is shit. I hate her."

Eiji chuckled. "She _is_ shit. Maybe we should."

"I mean it. We have enough to move somewhere nicer. And closer to the city. We could scout for work easier," Ash said, each word taking forever to leave his mouth.

"Then we should start asking around," Eiji added softly, patting Ash on the back. "But you have to promise me something." He deliberately made a pause so he could look Ash in the eye. "We will _not_ use this money for fun or enjoyment. Only for necessities. Okay?"

A stray tear trickled down a pale cheek and Eiji fought the urge to wipe it off with his thumb. "O-okay. Okay."

Eiji pulled him back into his arms and rocked him back and forth like one would a baby who had trouble sleeping. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth, finding a steady rythm to calm their breathing. He felt Ash's body go lax in his arms as he relaxed into the light movement of their feet and let himself be swayed from side to side. His arms hung off Eiji's neck limply and he rested almost his full weight on Eiji the longer Eiji rocked him.

"I'm so tired," Ash said.

Eiji rubbed at his back a little and pressed him closer to his chest. "I know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 100 usd = 10 000 yen
> 
> So ash brought in around 3 000 dollars this time around :/ 
> 
> I love pain. Why did I write this.


	10. March 1991

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: gay dorks.

"So now you pour a little batter on the pan," explained Eiji patiently, "and you do this, err, swipe?"

It was more of a swiveling motion actually, but Ash didn't want to correct him. It was cute to him how Eiji still made mistakes when he spoke in English.

"You have to cover whole pan," he said happily. Leaving the crêpe to cook on one side, he hummed cheerfully to himself as he skipped to their fridge to grab some spreads.

"Ah, see? It is cooked on the other side," Eiji kept going with his explanation.

Ash was confused. The crêpe looked the same to him as it did two seconds ago. "How do you know it's cooked when you can't _see _the other side?"

Eiji had the nerve to chuckle at him. Ash denied it made his face heat up a bit.

"It changed color, Ash," he said. "It is darker than it was."

Oh.

Why didn't he notice that? Usually, Ash was a lot better at noticing details.

Pulling Ash from his pondering, Eiji grabbed the handle of the pan and, in one flick of the wrist, flipped the crêpe over. It gave a slight sizzle in the pan and started to cook.

"See? It is not hard," said Eiji, a big dummy smile plastered on his face. "You just have to be fast, Mr Callenreese."

"For the record, I _am_ fast, unlike some people in this room," Ash said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"We will see."

Ash's eyebrow flew up of his own accord, a mischievious glint in his eyes. "Is that a challenge?"

Eiji gave him a smile so sly Ash didn't know Eiji's face was capable of making. "Yes. Loser washes the dishes."

Oh, he was _not_ gonna lose this one. "You're on, _partner_," he said, extending his hand. Eiji shook it and removed the pan with the cooked crêpe from the stove. He placed it on a plate that sat on their small kitchen table.

"Your turn, _partner_," said Eiji mockingly.

Easy stuff. So you pour some batter, have it cover the whole pan and then flip it after it changes colors.

What could go wrong?

Apparently, _everything_.

Ash took the bowl with the batter from Eiji and poured a generous amount on the pan. Eiji was looking at him as if he was stiffling a laugh. That bastard. Ash was doing _fine. _And he didn't even _need_ to move the pan so the batter covers it entirely, Eiji just wasn't pouring enough earlier.

He turned the heat of the stove up so it cooks faster. He didn't have all day.

Why was Eiji laughing?

Ash shot him a glare but it just made Eiji laugh and snort louder.

"Isn't that a little too much, _partner_?" He sneered and it just riled Ash up more.

Whatever.

Ash knew what he was doing. He was not going to lose his cool now that he needed the most concentration.

It was time to flip the crêpe.

Mimicking the positioning of Eiji's hands, he gripped the handle tightly and prepared to jerk the pan.

Things went downhill from there.

His first crêpe landed right on the burner and caught flame. Eiji burst into giggles, which made Ash all the more annoyed. Ignoring the heat pooling in his cheeks, he bolted for the kitchen cloth to extinguish the flames, but in all that flurry he forgot to turn the stove off so the cloth caught fire as well. Their kitchen was full of smoke, Eiji was wheezing with laughter, Ash was red in the face and humiliated by his own lack of skill in something as basic as _cooking_.

Shamefully, he turned the stove off and dumped the cloth in the sink, turning on the water. Eiji wiped off a tear that escaped his eyes. "Ha ha, at least we know who is washing dirty dishes tonight," he teased. Ash fought the urge to stick his tongue at him.

Face still flushed, he took a wet sponge to clean the mess he made. Just as he was about to dip it in the half-baked crêpe, Eiji slapped his hand away from the stove and giggled. "You dummy," he said, his tone amused, "it is too hot to clean now."

His cheeks flared up again. What was up with him? He couldn't seem to focus on anything _other _than making an idiot of himself in front of Eiji.

"What it feels like," asked Eiji, "to be _complete _loser, huh Ash?" If Ash wasn't used to Eiji being a nasty shithead, he would've been offended.

"Yeah, yeah, go ahead, tease the shit out of me. It's not cute, y'know," he said before he could think twice about it. Why did he say that?

Eiji looked like he was considering what Ash'd just said as he turned a clean burner on to continue making crêpes. "Hm, I think I am cute. _You_ are not, though," he added smugly,.

"You may be cute, but _I'm _the hot stuff in this house," Ash added proudly. "I have the most delicate skin and hair. People dig that."

Eiji rolled his eyes, his cheeks dusted pink. "Suuure, _that_ is what they like about you," he paused as he flipped the crêpe gracefully. "Not everything else, for sure," he mumbled so lowly Ash thought he wasn't meant to hear it. He felt an odd pang of guilt for listening in on something so private.

He felt his cheeks flaring up again. It wasn't an entirely uncomfortable feeling, if he was being honest. It felt nice and warm, like the first kiss of sunshine on a cold winter morning.

It just took some getting used to.

He didn't know why he kept blushing around Eiji, because it was _Eiji_, his friend, his soulmate, his roomate, his everything, and there was no reason to be embarrassed around him. He had never blushed around anyone before.

It was strange, but nice. He liked it.

A comfortable silence befell them as Ash's lips stretched into a smile. He settled down on a chair at the kitchen table, small packets of jam and Nutella-like spreads laid out in front of him, and waited for the crêpes to be cooked so he could fill and roll them.

He found his gaze glued to Eiji's back as he cooked, humming along to the song on the radio, his hips swaying to the melody. He had an aura of domesticity and peace about him.

Momentarily, Ash could forget their hardships.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Humor isn't my strong suit but I wanted to write something that wasn't dark for a change.


	11. June 1991

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: very angsty. Again. Because we all love to suffer.

I

"Ash please -" begged Eiji, tears in his eyes.

"I knew this was a mistake from the moment I set foot in that airport!" Ash yelled as he ripped his t-shirt off the closet hangers violently and threw it in his suitcase. "I knew it!" The jeans and pajamas were next.

Eiji sobbed loudly. "Please, Ash, I'm begging you -"

"Keep begging. I'm leaving," he said angrily, stuffing everything he owned in the small suitcase he had brought with him two years ago.

He had had enough.

Of everything.

Of himself. Of the constant nightmares. Of the torment he had brought upon Eiji. Of their finances. Of their miserable existence. The fact that he had survived when death would have been such a sweet release. Of. Fucking. Everything.

"Ash please, you are breaking my heart," Eiji said, his voice broken and cracking, barely coherent under his sobs. "Please. Please just _talk_ to me, please Ash -"

Ash pretended he didn't hear him. If he was cold enough to Eiji he might start to hate him. Ash was hoping he would.

He deserved the hate.

And Eiji deserved to be free of him. Free of the misery that he had brought with him.

And yet, despite his bloodshot eyes and wet cheeks, Eiji didn't let him have his way. He stubbornly stood his ground, refusing to give in. He stood promptly at the door, blocking it with his body so Ash wouldn't be able to leave the room. He sniffled audibly, fighting back his tears. "Please talk to me, Ash," he said, desperation evident in his tone and posture. "Please don't do this to me," he pleaded quietly.

Ash felt like he'd kicked a puppy when he saw how pained the expression on Eiji's face was. Whatever he was about to say died on his tongue.

The atmosphere was tense. Neither of them moved a muscle. It felt like their feet were nailed down to the floor to keep them in place - Eiji at the door, blocking Ash's way, and Ash standing, a half-open suitcase in hand.

As always, it was Eiji who made the first step forward. "There is no need for you to leave, Ash," he said carefully. He looked so delicate and hurt Ash hated himself for making him feel like that.

"Please. Let us talk. You never talk to me."

It was difficult to say what exactly made Ash bow his head down and give up his intent of leaving for good. The suitcase suddenly felt too heavy for him to hold.

Quickly crossing the small distance from the door to the bed, Eiji sat down on the edge of the mattress and tapped his hand next to him. Ash felt so numb he didn't remember the walk to the bed nor the creak the bed made when he settled on the old matress.

Eiji cleared his throat. "Ash," he started gently, "what happened? What are you thinking right now?" He moved his hand as if to touch his shoulder, then apparently thought better of it and retreated his hand.

"You're better off without me," Ash said truthfully.

"Liar," Eiji fired back. "You do not believe that."

Ash shook his head. As his adrenaline levels dropped, fatigue took over his entire body. "I do. And you should, too." He paused, thinking of how best to frame what he was about to say next. Clearly, Eiji didn't want to be reasoned with, so he had to pick his words carefu -

"You are thinking too loudly," scolded Eiji. "Do not do that. Please. Tell me what you are thinking about now, no pretending and no sugarcoating."

Ash had never suffered a brain freeze but what he was feeling at the moment was quite similar. His mind stopped working, thoughts disappearing into thin air, cogs and gears shutting down. Even if he'd wanted to pretend, he wouldn't have been able to. He was completely drained of mental energy.

"I... shouldn't be here," he started carefully. His voice sounded small and fragile in his ears. He could hardly believe it was his.

He saw Eiji swallow a lump. "Why?"

"Because," said Ash, "I shouldn't have survived."

"That is not true."

"I am a burden. A dead weight that you have to carry."

"That is _not_ -"

"Hell, I didn't even _want_ to come here," he said before he could stop himself, his voice raising. Shock and disbelief were written all over Eiji's innocent face. He had forgotten Eiji had no idea about him almost breaking his promise.

"You - why? Did I do something -"

"God, no," he shook his head hard. "No, you didn't, why would you think that?" Ash had always been puzzled by Eiji's eagerness to blame himself for things that weren't his fault, and this time was no different. "It was me. It was all on me. I planned to not come at all."

Eiji looked so miserable Ash wanted to punch himself in the stomach. His big eyes were wide with shock, his mouth hung open, but no words came out. He seemed too taken aback by what Ash had said. Ash felt guilt piling on by each passing second he spent looking at Eiji's innocent face so deeply pained by his words.

But it was alright.

He was past forgiveness anyway.

He let out a humorless laugh. "See? I'm not worth shit. I can't even keep my word without fucking it up with something stupid." He smiled bitterly. "I'm surprised you lasted this long with me. Thank you," he said and got up from the bed. He looked at Eiji and smiled with his mouth. He didn't need to see his face to know it didn't reach his eyes. "I should get going now. I have a train to catch."

Eiji stood up and put his hand on Ash's forearm. "Ash, please," he whimpered, his hand trembling. "Don't," he added softly. His face was all red and wet from crying. "Do you understand," he continued, his voice gaining an edge to it that Ash had difficulty placing, "that _none _of those things are true? That I don't feel that way about you? Did it ever _occur _to you that I _want_ you here?"

Ash stayed silent.

"Answer me," said Eiji more confidently. "I'm tired of us not talking about things like these, Ash. I'm tired of dancing around things that are hard to say. And I'm tired," his voice cracked, "of seeing you suffer in silence because you are too proud or too ashamed to tell me about what you are feeling. I am tired, Ash," he said almost in one breath, desperation evident in his voice. "I'm tired. So let us talk, please," he pleaded again. "Please talk to me."

In all honesty, Ash was at a loss for what to say. A stray tear trickled down his cheek.

What's a person supposed to say in situations like these? How was he supposed to put to words the feelings and the hurt he'd been keeping to himself for all this time? How was he supposed to let someone know how fucked up he was in the head? How was he supposed to let _Eiji_ know?

He hadn't realized he'd started crying until the tears got so thick they blurred his vision entirely. A loud sob escaped his mouth as his entire body started to shake. If it wasn't for Eiji's hand steadying him, he was sure he would've collapsed on the ground.

"Here, sit," came a gentle voice. He felt Eiji take his shoulders and slowly help him sit back down again. He settled next to him, their knees touching, and put his arm around Ash's shoulders. Ash couldn't stop crying. The tears kept coming, and coming, and it looked like there was no end to them.

He felt a hand brush through his hair. "Cry, Ash," Eiji said. "Cry. Let it out," he whispered as he combed through Ash's blonde locks.

Ash did. It wasn't like he could stop himself. He felt like a baby crying for his mother. Maybe he was, in a way.

What felt like an eternity later, Ash raised his head from where it fell to Eiji's lap. His eyes stung from the tears, but despite the waterflows that had spilled from his eyes, he felt strangely calm, as if he wasn't about to make the biggest mistake of his life just a few minites ago.

He could still feel Eiji's arm on his shoulders, massaging the tension in his muscles. It grounded him.

Eiji had never run away from him, Ash realized. He would _never_ run away from him. He had stayed. And he would stay, for a long time.

"Are you ready to talk?" Eiji asked.

Ash took a deep breath that almost made him choke on air. "Y-yeah," he croaked. "Let's talk."

II

"Stop clinging to me!"

"Mhmm, no."

Eiji had spent around 20 minutes trying to escape Ash's lanky limbs to no awail. It was June, it was _boiling_ outside, despite it being 1am, and on top of that _Ash wouldn't stop hugging him_. He could feel his sweaty arms around his middle. Gross.

Why had he insisted on sharing a bed? That was such a stupid decision on his part.

"Ash, seriously, I'm all sweaty thanks to you," Eiji sighed tiredly. He was like a child sometimes.

"Mrmm, soft," came Ash's sleepy response as he pressed himself closer to Eiji. He even had the audacity to stick his cold feet between Eiji's exposed calves. Who does that?

As he snuggled his head in the crook of Eiji's neck, Eiji could feel his breathing evening out as he drifted to sleep. It tickled, and Eiji knew he wouldn't get any sleep, but despite it all, he found himself smiling.

He and Ash had talked. _Really _talked, for maybe the first time ever. It painted a clearer picture of Ash's fears, of his self-loathing, of his care for Eiji and of his guilt. Eiji felt as if he had met Ash for the very first time.

He smiled as he closed his eyes and put his hand over Ash's where it was resting on his stomach. Sleeping was pointless, but if Ash could get some rest and comfort out of this, then Eiji wouldn't mind one sleepless night.

"Aishiteru," he whispered into the darkness, aware that Ash was far away in the land of dreams to hear him or to understand what that meant.

Little did he know that two jade eyes lay wide awake and that two ears heard him loud and clear. 


	12. December 1991

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I
> 
> *drum roll*
> 
> Have arrived. I apologize for not updating in well over a month. I haven't been well neither mentally nor physically during the past month and that (to no one's surprise) affected my ability to write. I'm back temporarily, as I'm still struggling with getting back to writing. 
> 
> This is a breather chapter and I hope it at least makes you feel a little cozy if nothing else. Thank you for sticking by this story 💕

It was a cold winter evening on the rare days Eiji didn't have to work. Their fireplace crackled merrily as the dance of the flames heated their new house.

The air was filled with aromas that showed off Eiji's enviable cooking skills. Cookies of all sorts - gingerbread, cinammon, chocolate chip, matcha, you name it, freshly baked from the oven, were still steaming on the platter Eiji had carefully arranged them on. Their dinner was simmering in a pot as the two of them lay on the couch huddled under a blanket, only their heads peeking from under the thick cover.

Ash took pride in the pleasant smells. He had taken part in the process of making the delicacies.

Truth be told, the only thing he had been allowed to do in the kitchen was cut up the veggies and chocolate into small pieces. Eiji had flat-out refused to let him come near the stove or the oven.

Eiji yawned loudly, stirring Ash from his thoughts. It wasn't time to go to bed yet, but it was obvious Eiji was very tired. Ash was glad the reason behind Eiji's fatigue wasn't being overworked for once - it was because they'd stayed up all night watching a movie marathon.

Ash had finally managed to take up a job, and thus, bring more money to their household. He'd used his first paycheck to surprise Eiji and buy a set of DVDs. It may seem like a small, mundane thing to do, but Ash thought it would be a nice surprise. His first surprise for Eiji, in fact.

After years of only being able to afford necesseties, he was beyond himself that he was finally able to afford something he and Eiji could enjoy together.

It would be an understatement to say that he was disappointed in himself because he had no idea what kind of a movie Eiji would actually like to watch. Guilt had loomed over him like a black cloud the entire time he'd spent browsing the heaps and heaps of neatly stacked and organized DVDs in the store.

He had never been an indecisive person.

And yet as the minutes ticked by, and ten passed, then twenty, then fifty and then an hour - Ash had finally admitted defeat. No matter how hard he'd tried, how hard he'd racked his brain for any scrap of information on Eiji's personal tastes and likings, how much he wanted to pull his own hair out of sheer frustration, he couldn't for the life of him figure out, with enough certainty, what Eiji would be interested in.

Ash considered himself lucky for once, though. The cashier must've noticed he was sulking and lost in his own thoughts because he'd come over from the cash register to ask if Ash would like some recommendations. Ash thanked the man for the offer in his still very accented Japanese, and he explained to him that he, when it came down to it, was clueless as to what he was looking for.

About 15 minutes and one purchase later, Ash'd walked out of the local DVD shop with a bag containing movies varying in genre and theme - from animated ones to drama, horror and comedy. If he had no idea what Eiji liked, then he might as well sit down and learn. It was long overdue.

Ash thought he would never forget Eiji's reaction when he showed up at their door after a long day at work carrying a carton of beer, heaps of junk food, and a goodie bag in his arms. He thought Eiji's eyes had never been quite as sparkly or big as they had that day. He was so overjoyed he almost started to cry, which Ash counted as a win.

By the time they'd finished binge watching all the movies from the set, it was already 9am, and they deemed sleep pointless, so they just stayed up. It was catching up to them, obviously.

He felt a warm weight snuggling next to him, and when he looked down he was met with a heart-warming sight of Eiji dozing off on his arm. He draped the blanket they were under over Eiji's sleepy frame and did his best to tuck him in without waking him. His hand brushed against Eiji's cheek, sending heat to his own.

Eiji stirred a little in his sleep and his head would've fallen if it wasn't for Ash's reflexes. He held him as gently as he could and slowly lowered his head down on his lap.

His lips stretched into a goofy grin on their own. He was happy he could be this close to Eiji without having nightmares or the aftermath of arguments be the reason behind the tenderness he was giving him.

Before he could stop himself, he had already tangled his hand in a tuft of dark hair and started stroking it. It was soft and inviting, and it was so fitting that it was _Eiji's_ hair, and not someone else's. Nobody had the kind of softness and gentleness Eiji had.

Eiji seemed to be enjoying the gesture as his breathing became more even and deep. He was really falling asleep.

Ash thought he was really the picture of innocence as he slept on his lap. He looked adorable, if Ash was being honest with himself.

He smiled.

Life was becoming good.


	13. June 1992

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: this chapter contains internalized homophobia because early 90s. 
> 
> As a small disclaimer, I need to add that I did not write this as a mean of promoting homophobia. I'm bi and homophobes should be scared cause I go both ways (meaning imma beat yo homophobic asses regardless of whats between your legs)

"You should put on some sunscreen, Mr. Snow White," said Eiji teasingly.

"Psh. I'm not _that_ sensitive. And if I'm Snow White, that makes you one of those dwarves whose house I crashed in for a year," Ash retorted back, handing him a cold beer. "Here you go, _Kiddy_," he teased. Pouting, Eiji yanked the beer out of Ash's hand with more force than was necessary.

They were at the beach, the sound of the waves crashing against the nearby rocks peaceful in Eiji's ears. The entire place smelled pleasantly of salt and there was surprisingly little people there. It was only the beginning of June so Eiji assumed the tourist season would begin rather quickly.

He and Ash had had a ton of fun.

At first, Eiji thought he'd made a mistake by bringing Ash to the seaside. His face had sunk for just a short second before returning back to normal, but Eiji hadn't missed the subtle change. Just as he'd started to wonder if they should call it off, Ash said it would be fun if they brought an umbrella and some beer for a day at the beach.

Eiji had been taken by surprise.

They came to the beach at 11am and spent four hours straight in the water - swimming, tossing rocks, finding clam shells, splashing each other, you name it, they did it. The summer heat was slightly more bearable if you had the sea near you. Eiji had even packed some sandwiches so they don't go hungry, and after they ate, it was back to the shenanigans in water again.

"Earth to Eiji," called Ash, waving his hand in front of Eiji's face.

"Sorry. Did you say something?"

"I said I was gonna take a nap," he yawned, his wet hair dripping on his reddening shoulders. "Maybe you should, too."

Eiji chuckled. "I used to be an athlete, Ash. A little swimming didn't make me tired. Unlike _some_ people," he teased.

Ash pouted. "Whatever! I'm gonna sleep and you better not wake me!" Really, Ash was very much a child. Despite the more pronounced angles of his cheekbones and his deeper voice, Eiji couldn't bring himself to think of him as an adult.

"Knock yourself out," said Eiji. He rummaged through the beach bag they'd brought with them and dug out a dumb gossip magazine to pass the time. Ash settled on his mat, long legs sprawled beyond its edges. He turned to the side, back facing Eiji and quited down. Eiji could practically feel the moment he drifted off into the land of dreams.

Eiji wasn't particularly interested in whatever cheap drama was going on among famous rich people, so more often than not, he found his head turning to look at the sleepy figure next to him. He took note that Ash _really _needed a shave. His stubbles were really prickly whenever Eiji hugged him, and despite Eiji's best efforts and nagging, Ash had point-blank refused to shave his face on more than one occasion. Eiji supposed he'd have to bully him into it, sooner rather than later.

He was happy. Ash had decided to stick by his side.

Eiji had never recalled feeling so fulfilled as he was now. He felt his life had gained a new, better meaning when he met a lonely blond boy in America who decided to be his friend. The trend continued. Eiji finally felt like he had a purpose, a home and a brand new family all of his own stored in a single person.

Ash rolled over on his back and started snoring. Eiji found that strangely adorable.

Eiji had never really felt like his life was going somewhere. Everyone seemed to always be busy doing things, exploring their interests, dating, going to parties, taking up hobbies, while Eiji was always standing in one place. Even while he'd been pole vaulting, he had found it difficult to keep up with his peers due to his height. He had started losing confidence and falling into a depressive pit, slowly, until it almost consumed him whole.

Which is when Ibe-san and Ash came into play. Eiji owed that man so much. If he hadn't convinced him to come with him to America, Eiji wouldn't have met Ash. Ash was a hidden little treasure, a heart of gold, a smile whose radiance rivaled the sun. He was his sunshine, a bright spot that made the darkness go away.

Eiji resisted the urge to stroke his cheek. He had been feeling things like that a lot lately.

When Ash would hug him, Eiji would rub circles on his back so Ash would relax into him more. When Ash was feeling low, Eiji would sling his arm over Ash's shoulder and pull him a little closer to himself. When Ash was sleeping, curled up as a kitten, Eiji would have to stop his hands from ruffling his hair or touching his face.

He even wondered what it would feel like to kiss him gently, to cup his face and just hold him, for a moment or two, before they would have to part.

Eiji sighed. He was aware that he was developing feelings for his friend. So far, they'd been relatively easy to manage. He was able to shush them, to shove them aside and enjoy Ash's presence in his life, without feeling like a heavy weight was sitting on top of his chest.

But sometimes, he was ashamed of those feelings. Like now.

What kind of a person would he be if he ever told Ash about how he felt? What kind of a person would he be if he told Ash that, just like every other man in his life, he was gay? 

Eiji shook his head.

He wouldn't tell him. He didn't want to think about Ash's reaction to finding that out about him. And most of all, he didn't want Ash to be uncomfortable or wary around him.

He knew he would be.

Eiji clenched his fists, grabbing fistfuls of sand. Ash's abuser was a man. The person who hurt him in so many disgusting ways, made him do things no person should ever have to be forced to do, humiliated him and traumatized him, was also a gay man. Eiji felt disgusted and ashamed that he had something in common with that hideous, twisted human being.

And therefore, he had decided he would not tell Ash anything. He would keep it to himself and pray his feelings stopped growing. Ash's companionship _had_ to be enough for him. It wouldn't be fair to Ash if they weren't. And it would be selfish of Eiji to want anytning more.

He felt his heart clenching painfully in his chest, his breath catching in his throat. Breathing was getting difficult. He felt himself drifting off, his thoughts racing, his mind unable to make sense of them.

Inhale.

_One. Two. Three._

Exhale.

_One. Two. Three._

He watched the waves come and break on the shore, peaceful, slow and gentle, calming him down and grounding him.

_One. Two. Three._

He could breathe again.

He was not going to let his feelings weigh him down. It's supposed to feel good when you realize you love someone, right? You are supposed to feel butterflies in your stomach, heat in your cheeks and happiness in your heart.

Eiji smiled.

Ash did know how to make his heart too big for his chest. Eiji watched him as he stirred in his sleep, turning around so he was laying on his hip again, face toward Eiji.

He looked like a crab.

Eiji groaned. Ash was such a baby sometimes.

At least he would get to gloat after Ash woke up. And maybe poke him on the burnt skin for the fun of it.

He stood up and angled the umbrella so the shade it cast covered Ash more. Eiji was hoping he'd wake up soon so they could go splash around in water again. He was so ridiculously happy that a day at the beach could make Ash relax and enjoy himself so much. He felt proud that he'd thought of that by himself.

But above all, Eiji was grateful. He was grateful to have Ash by his side. To have him here, alive and well, to make him happy and keep him safe from the world he grew up in.

He was grateful for every moment they shared together, fully aware how close both of them had become to losing that chance. That was why Eiji swore to himself he would better Ash's life as much as he possibly could. He would stay by his side for as long as Ash wanted him there.

Eiji was hoping it would be forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kiddy is the name of one of the dwarves in the 1987 Snow White and the seven dwarves film. 
> 
> Source: 
> 
> https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snow_White_(1987_film)


	14. August 1992

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soft boys, Queen and birthday fluff.

I

_Dear Ash -_

_Happy birthday! I did not want to wake you up so I couldn't wish you that before I went to work. I will be working a little later than usual today. I have some photos I need to finish and turn in for Mr. Yamamoto._

_We will celebrate when I get back. Again, I wish you a happy birthday! Invite whomever you want, do whatever you want for the whole day. I will hurry up as much as I can so I can be with you soon._

_Love, Eiji_

♥(ˆ⌣ˆԅ) （＾ω＾）

Ash smiled as he read the heart-warming note Eiji had left for him om the fridge. The little smiley faces were awfully cute, too.

It was a downer that he'd be alone until at least 5pm, which is when Eiji typically returned from work. Today was Ash's day off, so he had plenty of time on his hands.

He made himself breakfast as Eiji taught him. To cure his boredom, he proceeded to clean the mess their apartment had become. Between the two of them, Eiji was a neat freak while Ash was a complete and utter slob who cared little about folding his clothes or taking his shoes off when he came home. Eiji always scolded him for it.

He didn't really feel like inviting anyone home, although he had met some pretty great people at work. His coworkers were really nice to him, curious at first, fun after they'd gotten used to him. There was a college student, Misa, a dude in his 30s, Makoto, and a scrawny teenager who was in the middle of his growth spurt, Kyo. They got along very well, they spent their breaks together and occasionally went out for lunch on weekends.

His birthdays were special, though.

Not in the sense that he thought of them as a big day or anything. He didn't. To him, his own birthdays were just days like any other, with an occasional mental low that came with some. He didn't think of his birth as something that should be celebrated.

Eiji had different ideas, though.

He insisted they spend Ash's birthday together, doing whatever it is Ash wanted and felt like doing. With cake and all. As much as Ash appreciated the gesture, he was intrigued by Eiji's insistance.

Ash wanted to be alone with Eiji on his birthdays. It seemed right.

He sighed. There was no way Eiji would be able to bring a cake and a present if he was working late, he realized somberly. He felt mildly angry at himself for expecting something for his birthday. He was an adult, for God's sake, not a kid who needed birthday presents.

Or so he had tried convincing himself.

A part of him felt very disappointed at the fact that he was likely going to get nothing this year. He had received a very humble present from Eiji for each of his birthdays prior to this one, and had kept all of them. Eiji had no idea he was stashing them in a box under his bed.

He sighed heavily again.

It was going to be a long day.

II

It was 6pm when the bell rang and Ash sprang up from where he was seated in the living room to open the door. Eiji was finally, _finally_, home.

Taking a deep breath and bracing himself for seeing Eiji with empty arms, he unlocked the door and pulled them open, only to be met with a sight that nearly made him tear up.

It was Eiji, his hands _full_.

He was smiling brightly and was practically beaming with excitement. It was contagious.

"Ash, happy birthday!" he bubbled cheerfully. "Help me with all this?"

Ash was at a loss for words. He didn't know how to react. He had been so stupid, he thought to himself, to think that Eiji, caring and symphatetic Eiji, would let his birthday go by without presents. He returned Eiji's bright smile as he carefully took the small stack of items Eiji was carrying in his arms and placed them on the living room table. Eiji followed him inside, locking the door behind him.

"Wait, I need to wish you a happy birthday properly," he said.

"You wished me a happy birthday _twice _already. Don't you think it's enough?" It's more than Ash had ever received in his life. Being wished a happy birthday twice in the same day.

"Well yes, but it wasn't proper. The first time was with a note and the second was with my hands full," he elaborated as he stood in front of Ash with his hands reaching towards him. Ash's eyes softened as he accepted the silent invitation and gave Eiji a tight hug. He felt Eiji's hand tangle in his hair. He liked it when it was there, brushing carefully at the locks.

"Happy twenty-fifth birthday, Ash," whispered Eiji in his ear, sending tingles down Ash's spine. "May this one be the best one yet."

_It was._

"Thank you, Eiji," he said, never letting his arms drop. He could hold Eiji like this forever, he thought to himself. It was a little uncomfortable to have another body so close to his in the August heat, but Ash decided to ignore how slippery his hands were as he refused to let Eiji go. He didn't seem to mind, though.

When Eiji patted him on the back, Ash took it as a cue to come down to earth from whatever sky his heart was soaring on and let him go. He removed his arms, deciding to entertain his mildly disappointed mind with the pile of presents. There were three boxes warying in thickness and size, all wrapped neatly and tied with a bow on top.

"Go grab plates, Ash," Eiji said, pointing to the biggest box. "That one is the cake."

_He even got the cake._

Here's the thing. Ash and Eiji didn't own fancy silverware or anything like that. However, there was a small set of crystal plates and glasses, a gift from Eiji's sister, that was tucked away from Eiji's clumsy hands. It was on the very top of the kitchen cupboards, so too tall for Eiji to reach without climbing on a chair and then on the counter _and then _standing on his tippy toes.

Ash decided he should indulge Eiji and serve the cake in the best dishes they owned. He wanted to honor what Eiji had done for him, for something as unimportant and dismissive as his birthday.

Smiling to himself, he took the cake with him to the kitchen. With the few extra inches and long arms, Ash had an easier time reaching the set than Eiji did. He carefully placed it down on the counter, doing his best not to scratch or damage anything in ghe process. He took out two plates and opened the cake.

He was surprised to see what was on it.

It was _him_.

He was staring at his own eyes, and a smile that surely didn't belong to the Ash in reality. His smile was never that bright and genuine, he was _sure _of it. His eyes were relaxed, his entire face looked peaceful and blissfully unbothered by the outside world, as if he had chosen that in that moment nothing bad or hurtful could exist.

If he tilted his head just a little bit and looked at the cake from an angle, the jade of his eyes sparkled. Mesmerized, he forgot he was supposed to cut the cake and enjoy it with Eiji.

Instead, he stood there, heart too big for his chest, and admired the imagery that none other than Eiji could have provided to the bakers. He was the only person allowed to take Ash's picture. He was the only soul on this planet who could have possibly put in so much effort to custom-make a goddamn _cake_.

He was so overwhelmed with the cake that he didn't hear Eiji come near him. When Ash finally made himself look away from the cake, his gaze locked itself on Eiji's kind face. He couldn't say a word.

So he threw himself at Eiji, caring little about if he was strong enough to keep them both standing as his body slammed itself into Eiji's chest, arms locking themselves around his smaller frame. There were no words that could describe how thankful Ash was. How grateful, how infinitely loved he felt. How he appreciated everything Eiji did to make him happy. He kept repeating "Thank you"s like a broken record player, his mind not bothering to be coherent.

Eiji held him and giggled. It was addicting.

"You know, it would be great if we could actually _eat_ the cake, instead of letting it sit there on the table," he pointed out but Ash was feeling too clingy to let go of him. He knew he was being childish. He didn't care. "Ash, really, let's eat the cake," said Eiji, trying to walk and hold Ash at the same time, which resulted in Ash putting his feet on top of Eiji's and clinging onto his shoulders for support.

The action vaguely reminded him of when he used to do that with Griffin.

About 15 minutes and a frustrated Eiji later, they were seated in the living room, munching on the delicious vanilla cake Eiji had brought home, making smalltalk over their stuffed cheeks. It tasted absolutely heavenly and Ash dared not ask how much it cost to make. Although their budget had become a bit less restrictive, they both did their best to not spend money frivorously.

Setting his empty plate aside, Ash reached for the two remaining boxes that were presumably his birthday presents. He felt his heart racing as he read the tag on the smallest box.

_To my dearest friend. I wish you the best birthday you have ever had, and many more to come. I wish to celebrate them all by your side._

_Love, Eiji_

He hadn't realized he was reading out loud until he looked at Eiji's smiling face. The tips of his ears were turning red, as well as his plump cheeks. Ash returned his smile, feeling like his heart might burst if he doesn't do something to calm it down soon.

"I'll keep this, you know. You're turning me into a sentimental mess. That should be a crime," he tried to sound casual but in his humble opinion, he failed. A wide grin was plastered on his face and he had to mentally stop himself from giggling out of sheer excitement and fondness Eiji's words left him with.

"In that case, I am happy to be a criminal," Eiji said. "Go on. Open it. I think you will like it."

Ash complied and dug his nails violently into the wrapping paper. He tore it to shreds in just under three seconds, revealing Queen's most recent album, _Innuendo_. Ash was feeling short of breath. This album was *_not_* for sale anywhere in Japan. How in the world had Eiji gotten it?

Ash felt so appreciated and loved it was impossible to describe. His mind had long stopped working properly. It was busy trying to process his own messy and complicated feelings that Eiji kept creating in him. He had never felt so strongly for anyone in his life, nor did he ever receive such a thoughtful present from someone he cared about.

Eiji knew Queen was his favorite band in existence but to go this far out of your way to get their newest hit album delivered to a country where it couldn't be bought was something Ash had difficulties coprehending. It really shouldn't come as a surprise after all these years he'd lived with Eiji. But it did.

He felt a thumb brushing a stray tear off his cheek. He closed his eyes, soaking up the warmth of Eiji's touch on his skin.

"Thank you, Eiji," he said, praying his tone conveyed what his words could not. "Thank you."

"You are very welcome," said Eiji, his cheeks red. He looked sweet when his face was flushed. "There is one more gift for you," he said, pointing to the last remaining box on the table. "That one is from your friends at work."

Ash was taken aback by that. He assumed all of his presents were from Eiji. He had never really shared his birthdays with more than one person at a time.

Puzzled as to what the contents of the box could be, he tore the wrapping paper once again and was met with two books - a copy of _"A handmaid's tale"_, in _English_, thankfully, and a children's book in Japanese. There was a note attached to it as well.

_Ash-kun,_

_We wish you a happy birthday!_

_Misa, Kyo and Makoto._

He struggled a little with deciphering the messy handwriting, pronouncing and translating slowly to English. He was proud of himself for reading it correctly.

"This is really nice of them, I'll have to thank them when I come to work," said Ash thoughtfully. "And tell Misa her handwriting is illegible."

"Ash! Be nice," scolded Eiji playfully.

"No promises," said Ash smugly. He felt his face softening up in affection. "Do you want to listen to this with me?" Ash said, holding _Innuendo_ up.

Eiji smiled at him that warm smile of his that made Ash's knees buckle sometimes. "Sure." He took the casette out of Ash's hands and walked over to their stereo. He pushed the casette in and as the first song on the album started playing, he sat down on the other side of the couch.

There was a short distance between them, and more often than not, Ash caught himself looking across it, his gaze landing upon Eiji's round cheeks and big eyes. He felt the urge to close the gap between them, to feel Eiji's smaller frame against his own.

He shuffled a little closer to him, trying to make it as nonchalant as possible, and leaned his head on Eiji's shoulder. Eiji slung his arm around Ash's shoulders to steady him a little bit, and as he did that their knees brushed ever so slightly. Ash felt his cheeks flaring up again. It was an awkward position - he had no idea where his body, apart from his head, should go.

Eiji didn't seem to mind, as he made no effort to move his leg away from Ash's. Ash briefly wondered how embarrassing it would be if he fell asleep in Eiji's lap again, like he did nearly 8 years ago in that rundown apartment they hid from Dino in. He felt torn between his want and his pride. He wanted to nap with Eiji nearby, he wanted to feel his feather-light touch on his back, to feel safe in his arms.

And yet he felt unsure of himself. It was something he'd never asked for before.

As the record played on, he felt his head droop and all of a sudden, he was lying body flush to Eiji's on their couch, the low hum of the music lulling them both to sleep.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So apparently, edible cake prints were a thing since 1981:
> 
> https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edible_ink_printing
> 
> Ash loves Queen and this a headcanon of mine. I have no idea where that came from but hey. Whatever. Anyway, Queen's album that Ashu got for his birthday hit the shelves in 1991, according to Wikipedia:
> 
> https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Innuendo_(album)


	15. November 1993

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNINNG: rape flashback in part II of the chapter.

I

Eiji thought he couldn't fall more for Ash even if he tried.

He was wrong.

Lately, it seemed as if everything Ash did made Eiji's heart flutter and his cheeks dust with pink.

When Ash'd come home yesterday and gave Eiji a quick "I'm back" hug, Eiji's breath caught in his throat. For a quick second, he thought he might faint, but then he reminded himself to breathe, that it was no longer strange for Ash to hug him like this, and that it _shouldn't_ be such a big deal.

That same evening, Ash'd changed into _Eiji's_ sweatpants and sweater, despite having his own, and Eiji couldn't help but blush. The leg of the sweatpants was too short on Ash's lanky limbs and the sweater was way too baggy on his skinny frame, but he looked so cozy and warm as he settled down next to Eiji on the couch, a bag of half-burnt popcorn in hand, that Eiji'd had no intention of commenting on Ash stealing his clothes.

Eiji sighed and removed his glasses, rubbing at his tired eyes. The raindrops kept hitting his windowsill in a staccato, the sound echoing in the empty office.

He knew thinking about the whole ordeal would just make him miserable and unhappy. He knew. He really did.

And yet, as much as he kept trying and willing Ash's face out of his thoughts, his mind kept brutally conjuring it and reminding him how the one person he loved more than anything and anyone was not meant for him.

He couldn't tell him about it. He just couldn't.

He and Ash had both agreed that they would talk more and hide things from each other less. Hide _themselves _less. It was Eiji who made Ash promise that he would communicate his feelings. It was Eiji who promised he would do the same.

And it was Eiji who was now breaking that same promise.

Sighing for the upteenth time that day, he put his pen down and removed his glasses from the bridge of his nose. Work wasn't happening today, that much was clear.

His depression hadn't reared its ugly head in a long time and Eiji was right to guess it would appear sooner or later. He'd been praying that it wouldn't gnaw at his feelings for Ash.

The gods weren't very keen on listening, though.

In a way, he guessed he was lucky Ash wasn't around at the moment. He hadn't seen him all day, and he missed him, of course he missed him, but if Ash were to see how close he was to breaking down in tears, he was sure he would worry and press him for a reason, and that was the last thing Eiji wanted.

So instead, he lay down on the floor and curled into himself, pressing his back on the heater in the room.

It was unfair.

Loving someone was supposed to be the happiest feeling a person can experience. Loving someone whom you were already close to was suposed to be even more precious and brilliant. It was supposed to be an emotion worth treasuring, worth everything good in life.

It wasn't supposed to feel like an anchor dragging you underwater.

Whenever Eiji thought of Ash, he felt his face heating up and his lips stretching into one of those warm smiles that people usually reserved for the ones closest to their hearts.

It would take a second or two for a small, barely audible voice of reason to remind him of how, despite Ash being right in front of him, despite Eiji seeing him every day and being by his side for so many years, it was foolish of him to ever hope for acceptance.

Not even reciprocation. Just acceptance. Ash telling him he wasn't disgusting. Ash telling him he wasn't afraid of him and that he wouldn't leave him over this. Ash telling him it was alright and then doing what Ash does best: not acknowledge it any further.

Eiji could no longer hold his tears back.

He must've been quite the sight, a grown man weeping on his office floor.

He was being pathetic.

He just wished he could do something about it.

II

_"Stop - please - ah!"_

_His head hit the headboard hard. A bruise would blossom on his cheek the next morning, as if he needed a reminder of what volatile things were being done to him._

_The man behind him grabbed his throat, and laughed, a revolting, twisted sound, as he fought for air._

_He tried to wriggle out of his grasp, but the hands that held his throat wouldn't budge. They squeezed, choking him, as the monster behind him kept thrusting, pain exploding in the small body trapped beneath it._

Ash woke with a start, gasping for air. His breathing was erratic, face covered in beads of sweat.

He tried to make sense of his surroundings.

It was dark.

It was dark but it was his room.

There was a body next to his.

There was a body next to his, but it was a body he knew.

He was sitting up on an old, worn out mattress.

He was sitting up on an old, worn out mattress, but it was _his_ mattress, in _his _home.

He took a deep breath as Eiji taught him.

In through the nose. Out through the mouth. In and out. Rinse and repeat.

Knowing sleep was pointless, he carefully shifted his weight off the bed, mindful of the creaking of the springs in it. He didn't want to wake Eiji.

That was a lie he was trying to sell to himself.

With practiced ease, he left the bedroom soundlessly and headed to the bathroom to rub himself clean. He turned the shower on, practically ripped his clothes off, and got in.

Seated on the lip of the tub, he took his sponge and an overly scented bubblegum shampoo which he hated, like he hated a lot of things right now, poured about half of the bottle and started scrubbing.

He scrubbed and cleaned untill his skin turned red from irritation. He gave special attention to his neck. He needed to forget the hands that colored it blue mere minutes ago.

So he kept scrubbing, the sound of water dripping on the tub providing closure, grounding him so he doesn't lose his mind to the dark place it was headed.

He didn't even hear the sound of footsteps approaching.

"_Ashu?_" said a groggy voice.

Ash froze for a second before turning to look at the source of the voice. He visibly relaxed when his mind registered it was just Eiji.

He stood at the door, waiting. He always waited.

"Ash," he repeated gently when Ash didn't respond, but made no movement to indicate he would cross the invisible chasm that stood between them untill Ash allowed it.

Ash sighed, turning his head away from Eiji, and Eiji took it as a cue to step into the dimly lit bathroom. Ash realized, albeit a little late, that he was naked, but to be frank, he was so drained of strength to pay it any attention.

Eiji had seen him in worse conditions anyway.

And it's not like he's never been naked around men before, he thought to himself bitterly.

The touch of fingertips to his shoulder blade made him flinch instinctively before he could make sense of whose touch it was.

"Ash," Eiji started gently. "Come on out. You have been in there for too long."

Ash couldn't find it in himself to answer. He kept his head down, unable to form a coherent sentence.

Eiji leaned over him and turned off the water. Ash forgot it was even on.

He felt so dirty he could bathe in bleach and he still wouldn't be clean from his past. No matter how fast he ran from it, it always caught up.

The sense of freedom he'd felt when he landed in Japan and started his life anew was the biggest bullshit he'd gotten himself into.

"Ash," Eiji coaxed him back into reality. "May I dry you with a towel?"

Ash raised his head and looked at him. His heart dropped when he saw how worried Eiji was. He was trying to hide it, but was ultimately failing.

He was holding Ash's towel in his arms, still waiting for Ash to answer. He nodded and turned to get out of the tub. Half-expecting Eiji to be freaked out by how broken and tired he was to pay heed to nudity, he was taken aback when he saw Eiji holding the towel up, gaze fixed on one of the floor tiles.

Even in this broken state, even though he was too far from reality to care about what bodyparts he was showing, Eiji still respected his privacy. His gaze didn't flick up once as he waited, as he always waited, for Ash to take a step towards him.

It was too much for Ash to handle. It tipped him over the edge, and tears started streaming down his face like a dam inside him broke. He hugged Eiji over the towel, not caring about if he would wet his pajamas, and cried on his shoulder.

It took Eiji a moment to compose himself and hug back as Ash sobbed and weeped and mumbled gods know what kind of incoherent nonsense that got muffled by Eiji's shirt. Warm hands trailed over his back, tangled in his wet hair and held him close.

Ash didn't know how long they stayed like that, him dripping wet and crying, and Eiji standing strong, giving Ash the leverage to pick himself up and stand tall again.

It was when he started shivering from standing on the cold bathroom floor on that November night that Ash felt like he could function again. Eiji seemed to notice, because he removed his hands from Ash's body and busied himself with wrapping the towel around Ash's middle and taking another one to dry him.

"Come on," he said, offering a weak smile. "Let's get you warmed up." He extended his hand and Ash took it in his own. Eiji led him back to their room and turned on the small portable heater they kept there for extra cold nights. Ash appreciated the gesture.

Eiji sat him down on the bed and made quick work of drying Ash's irritated skin. When he was done, he wrapped his hair in the towel and got up to fetch something from their nightstand.

He came back a moment later, carrying a small lotion. Ash looked at him quizzically, to what Eiji replied with a simple "for your neck".

Deciding to let Eiji do whatever he wanted, he tilted his chin up to allow him access to his neck. For a brief moment, Eiji looked as if he was conflicted about something, but he just shook his head and squirted some lotion on his hand. He quickly spread it over Ash's now overly sensitive skin and gently rubbed it in so it absorbed better. It stung a little in some areas - he probably tore through his skin there.

"Ei-" Ash started, his voice sounding like gravel in his ears. He cleared his throat.

"Eiji," he managed to say. "Thank you," he mouthed more than said. But Eiji understood. He always understood.

"Any time, Ash."

"I'm tired."

"I know."

"I don't think I can sleep."

"You should try."

With that, Eiji walked over to their closet and fished out clean underwear and pajamas for Ash to wear. He handed him the clothes and turned around so Ash could dress.

Once Ash was done, Eiji insisted on drying his hair off, too. Really, what did Ash ever do to deserve him?

Tucked under the warm covers, in fresh pajamas and smelling of Eiji's lotion, he felt a little better. He was far from okay, but somehow, he felt like there was hope he one day would be.

Eiji's expression was, for maybe the first time, unreadable to Ash. He looked distant and something other than worry showed itself in his big eyes. Ash couldn't place it. And he wasn't even sure he wanted to know.

Wordlessly, Ash shuffled closer to Eiji, closing the small distance between them. He put his hand on Eiji's forearm and gave it a, hopefully, reassuring squeeze.

_I'm better,_ the gesture was supposed to say.

Eiji seemed to be wrestling with something that was obviously on his mind. Ash was a little disappointed he didn't immediately wrap him in an embrace.

He figured it was because of the nightmare and he hated it. He took Eiji's hand and slowly placed it on his waist. _You can touch_, it was supposed to say.

Eiji made no effort to move his hand anywhere, so it just lay awkwardly exactly where Ash'd put it.

The last thing Ash remembered before sleep finally overtook him was the hand remaining where it was.


	16. January 1994

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello 😄
> 
> Here I am, with an update after two whole weeks of silence. What can I say, life's been messy lately.
> 
> As for the chapter, this one deserves a warning. Eiji's anxiety and depression both make an appearance and inflate the gravity of the situation. To readers who have never suffered from any of the two it might seem like overreacting, but in reality - it's what mentally ill people go through on almost a daily basis. 
> 
> So if you read this and you think "wow, it's not that deep, get over it" I'm happy for you. If you think "hey that seems like overreacting, it wasn't that big of a deal" I'm happy for you. 
> 
> And for the rest of you who are like me - it gets better, as washed out and blunt as it sounds. It does get better and you are not alone in feeling like this.

I

Ash'd had a _long _day.

Working as a waiter in a local café was no easy task. From the moment the café opened to the moment it closed down, he had customers barging in for their tea or morning coffee. Students were his most frequent visitors, which wasn't so strange considering A, the café was close to two colleges, and B, the prices were pretty affordable compared to other places.

Some days were more difficult than others.

Over time, he'd noticed some faces who frequented the place. A senior citizen who was often times the first one to come in and read newspaper with his morning tea. A group of three coworkers who came for breakfast. A kid and his older brother who did homework together over some miso soup.

And Misa's annoying friends.

Three women who always took an eternity to make up their minds when he came to take their order. He would first have to go through a series of meaningful looks and criptid giggles, then wait for them to finish batting eyelashes at him and _then_ decide on what they were having.

People in Izumo weren't that surprised when they saw him around anymore. Over time, they've gotten used to him. But these three kept swooning over him discretely and, in and of itself, that was fine, except Ash had _no_ interest in any od them.

It was just annoying.

It was as if they always sat on the tables that he was covering. As if they always came in when it was his shift. And, he realized, that might exactly be the case, considering they were _Misa's_ friends and Misa found Ash's annoyance hilarious.

On a regular day, he just armed himself with patience and played the gentleman - his boss wouldn't like it if he drove customers away with his behavior - but today was no regular day.

Today was a godawful, good for nothing day on which Ash Lynx made an absolute fool of himself and wanted the Earth to swallow him whole.

II

Very few things could prepare Eiji for the sight that met him at the door.

In another life, where Eiji was a soldier or policeman trained to handle just about any sudden catastrophy, he was able to act and think rationally.

In this life, however, things were different.

It started with frantic shoving of keys in the lock of their front door and Ash, panic written all over his face, barging inside, slamming the door shut, then bolting to their room. It all lasted a few quick seconds. But when Eiji saw Ash in that panicked state, his eyes darting all over the place and unable to focus, fear froze him in his tracks. He was barely aware of what he was doing.

He was later able to recall sprinting after him, as if some invisible force was chasing them and cornering them in their shared room.

His senses dull from the sudden adrenaline rush, Eiji couldn't stop his thoughts from racing.

_WhathappenedAreyouhurtWhodidthistoyouTellmewhatswrong -_

He ran into the room right after Ash, catching a glimpse of him on the bed, hiding under the covers. Eiji swallowed hard as he approached him slowly, as if he was about to pet a scared kitten.

Whatever happened to him was nothing good, was it? Whatever happened likely involved a person touching him without his permission, Eiji speculated.

Eiji approached the messy mop of blond hair that peeked from under the sheets. "Ash?"

He got grumbling as the only response. Feeling where Ash's shoulder would be, he gently gave it a shake. "Ash. Ash, don't scare me, tell me what happened -" He sounded agitated, even to himself.

At that, he was met with a pair of green eyes and the most childish pout he had ever seen.

Eiji was confused.

Adrenaline wearing off, he felt his body going lax. He had to sit down next to Ash so he wouldn't lose his balance.

He cleared his throat. "Er - what happened? Bad day at work?"

Ash sighed and nodded, still not losing the pout. He covered his face with his hand, almost in shame, and rubbed at his temples. Eiji was pretty convinced whatever happened wasn't... traumatic per se, and he was grateful, but Ash's behavior and body language were _not_ helping him get a clear picture.

"Ash," he smacked one of his cheeks playfully, "you're being a child. Tell me what happened."

Another groan. Ash was really making it harder than it needed to be.

"Yeah... you could say it was a bad day at work," he said finally. "In fact it wasn't just _bad_. It was the worst day I've had since I started working there," he continued, his voice muffled by the hand he hadn't bothered to remove from his face.

"So will you tell me why it was bad?" Eiji asked. "Maybe some tea will help you calm down."

Reluctantly, Ash nodded and followed Eiji to the kitchen. Eiji was still on edge and he was certain Ash could see the slight tremble of his legs and how his hands were shaking as he prepared them both tea. Ash looked downright mortified by whatever he was about to tell him, and it made Eiji want to burst.

Setting the steaming mugs of freshly made tea on the table, Eiji sank into the chair and pushed one of the mugs towards Ash. He took it gingerly and blew on it, as if stalling for time.

"So," Eiji started, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible, "are you gonna tell me?"

Ash let out a sigh and looked at anywhere but Eiji. "You're so not gonna let me live this down."

"Dancing around it isn't helping things, Ash," Eiji snapped, his fear growing into frustration.

Ash's eyes had lost their intensity years ago, but Eiji was sure the look Ash shot him was a remnant of one of those knife-sharp gazes he used to make other fear him. It wasn't as intense nor as frightening - but Eiji didn't miss that it was _there._

"I'm going on a date. Happy?"

_Date?_

Eiji's mind came to a halt and crashed. He was prepared to hear anything. A crazy customer story. That Ash broke the entire shelf of cups and plates because someone asked for a pumpkin spice latte. That he got fired because he called his boss a shithead.

But not... this.

Realizing he was sitting with his mouth gaping open, staring at Ash in disbelief, he did his best to compose himself. This was one of those times he had to plaster a smile on his face and shove his feelings down his own throat.

He could deal with them later.

"You didn't tell me you liked anyone," Eiji was able to squeeze through his throat in a voice so small he wanted to punch himself.

"That's because I _don't_," huffed Ash and a small sliver of hope that had remained in Eiji died. "It's more like _'I got set up on a date by my dumbass coworkers'_."

"How did that even happen?" Eiji asked, trying to sound casual. He added three extra teaspoons of sugar. Gods knew he needed it.

"Well, Misa's friends were all over me as usual, and then... I was suddenly alone with one of them," Ash finished clumsily.

Eiji quirked an eyebrow up. "How?"

Ash left out an exasperated sigh. "I don't _know,_ Eiji. In one moment, there was three of them. Then one went to the bathroom I think, and the other just... I don't know. She stood up and she pushed me into her seat casually as she was passing me by. And then Misa - God, I _will_ kill her, I _swear_ \- she came to take _our_ order, as if _I_ was a customer, and not a goddamn waiter," Ash explained heatedly. "And the girl I was sitting with started smiling and chatting with me and then no matter how hard I tried to get up and do my fucking job, she kept insisting I sit down with her, and Misa _wasn't_ helping. She fucking covered my tables so I would have coffee with her fucking friend," he finished, voice raised.

Eiji's heart fell a little more and he tried not to show it.

"So, uh," Eiji started awkwardly, "how was the chat?"

"I fucking misfunctioned in the moment so I fucking told her I'd be happy to see her again. So now I have to come up with an excuse for why I'm not gonna do that."

"You didn't answer my question, though," Eiji said, voice shaky. He cleared his throat, pretending it was just a cough. "Did you like talking to this girl? If you did then maybe a real date wouldn't be such a bad idea?"

There. He said it.

He was so conflicted it was threatening to rip him apart.

Ash's mouth hung open as he processed Eiji's question. Eiji tried to decipher the look on his face but his mind was elsewhere. It was getting hard to think. He kept fighting to keep his face behind a nonchalant mask, to keep the tone of the conversation lighthearted. He was aching for some time alone, away from Ash.

He didn't want to look at him right now.

"I - it was okay?" Ash said clumsily. "She seems like an interesting person."

Eiji wished he was as interesting. He took a sip of his tea to give himself something to do, something to focus on, so he didn't have to look at Ash.

"I learned she's a doctorate student in bioengineering. That was fun to listen about. Uhm, she told me she read _'The old man and the sea' _and that she didn't get the point of it," he spat out with disgust, "so I kind of spent the next 10 minutes debating the point with her. Turns out she's great at throwing arguments around."

Eiji gulped, praying it didn't show. "You sound like you had fun."

"Well... I mean I guess I did, huh? I freaked once the thing was over, though. I think I sprinted from the café here."

"You should go see her again, Ash," Eiji said, begging his eyes not to betray him. "Take her out to an amusement park maybe? Those are always a good option for a date."

Ash's face was unreadable to Eiji. "What do I even do on a date? T's not like I've ever been on one," he said grimly.

"That's why you should go to an amusement park. You can go on rides together if you don't know what to talk about. You can win her a something at the shooting range. You can eat street food. Plenty of stuff to do." Eiji was hoping he wasn't sounding as heartbroken as he felt.

He was unreasonably angry at Ash, at the girl, at the stupid date. He wanted to scream and to rip his heart out of his chest, to cry his eyes out for as long as his tears could flow.

But he knew better.

He didn't want his jealousy and his unrequited feelings get in the way and ruin Ash's happiness.

Ash seemed to consider what he suggested. "You have a point. Ever taken someone to one?"

Eiji sighed, his composed act threatening to crumble. He had to excuse himself to go somewhere, anywhere, soon. "No. I haven't."

Ash's eyebrows quirked up. "But you're almost 30," he said flatly.

"So are you!" Eiji fired back. "Just go on your dumb date already!" He got up from the table, hoping his tantrum was a good enough excuse to leave the room without it being suspicious. He needed to get out of the house. Prefferably somewhere far.

He took his coat off the hanger in the doorway and grabbed an umbrella.

"Wait, where are you going?" Ash asked. Eiji hadn't heard him approaching.

Feeling as if he'd been caught redhanded, he slowly turned around to look at him. "Ah... before you came I got a call from my client. From the wedding gig?"

"So what, they want you to work overtime? Say fuck no."

"I can't, it's a big deal this time. I won't be long though," he said casually. "You think about what you're gonna wear for your date."

Ash blushed and Eiji hated it.

"'Kay. Stay safe."

Eiji tried to smile. "You too."

III

Crying in the office was becoming a habit. In the past several months, it had become the only place where Eiji was able to sort his feelings out.

He was praying to all the gods of Izumo that Ash hadn't picked up on what was going on in his head.

He had barely kept it together, after all.

He was so conflicted over the situation it was threatening to tear him apart. He knew he was supposed to be happy for his friend, because, he realized bitterly, that's what he and Ash were, friends and nothing more.

He had no right to feel the way he did. He was envious and angry, heartbroken and desperate, and he knew how childish that would make him sound if he said it outloud. But it was all true. He wasn't happy nor excited for his friend, and he hated it.

He was jealous, and he had to keep it at bay. He was jealous he wasn't the girl that Ash liked talking to and who was going on a date with him.

He knew how irrational that sounded, but that's what he felt, and feelings, the last time he checked, weren't rational. They were messy and all over the place, and no matter how much you wanted to get them in line and control them, they would break off the leash and go berserk.

His anxiety wasn't helping matters.

His mind kept racing at speeds he wasn't able to follow. It darted to the future, where Ash moves out and goes on to live with the girl and Eiji is left by himself.

At first, they keep in touch. They talk every other day and see each other on the weekends.

Then, every other day turns into every other week. And then once a month. Ash is very busy, he tells him.

Then, Ash calls him a year later to give him news that he's starting a family. Ash is happy, Eiji is happy to see his loved one so blissful, but when he comes home at night, he cries like a child that got picked on.

Meanwhile, Eiji is still alone. He is alone and no one can fill the void that Ash left there.

Then -

_Breathe._

In and out.

He gripped the edges of his desk so tightly his knuckles turned white. _Desk. _He took his camera and felt around the lens. _Camera._ Next was the messy pile of mail. _Envelope._

He took a lock of his hair between his fingers and gave it a strong tug, pulling the hairs out mercilessly. The pain brought him back momentarily.

Another deep breath. Then another.

In his mind, Ash was happy. Ash was finally getting the life he deserved. He would one day have a family, a person who loves him to death, and would live a long, fulfilling life.

Eiji wished he could be the person who gives him all of that. He normally wouldn't let his mind go into wishful thinking, but he was alone in his office at 8pm, and no one was around. So he let himself.

He let himself dream about how it would feel to have his love returned. He let himself imagine Ash's warm smiles that were reserved for him, and him alone. He let himself imagine how Ash would kiss him and how he would tanlge his fingers in his hair.

He lay limply on his desk, unable to move a muscle. He knew he was being silly. He knew he wanted something he could never have.

He thought his mind was playing tricks on him when he heard familiar footsteps gingerly stepping into his office. Eiji was barely able to lift his head up, momentarily forgetting about what a mess his face must've been. He thought he was hallucinating.

But Ash was _right there_, standing in the middle of his office.

He passed Eiji's desk and came to stand next to him. He felt so real, Eiji could swear his presence was radiating warmth.

"Ei-chan," he said gently. "Come. Let's go home." He put his hand over Eiji's shoulders. Eiji was unable to speak.

When he didn't move, Ash kneeled so that they were eye to eye and pulled him into his chest. He rubbed his back, his hand tangled in Eiji's hair and Eiji's breath was taken away. He was vaguely aware that he was shaking in Ash's arms.

"Shh, breathe Ei-chan," he whispered. "You'll be okay. I promise."

The look of determination on Ash's face was almost enough to convince Eiji too.

He was too broken to think straight and yet he swatted Ash's hand away when he reached to wipe the tears off his cheeks.

If Ash was surprised, he didn't show it. He stood up slowly and reached out both of his hands to Eiji, waiting for him to take them.

"Let's go home."

IV

Eiji didn't remember the ride home.

He didn't remember changing in his pajamas nor preparing the tea and painkillers that were neatly placed on the nightstand.

A touch to his hand brought him back to reality. "Hey," Ash said fondly. "Your tea will get cold," he said and reached behind him to hand the cup to Eiji.

Eiji could just shake his head. Ash sighed and put the cup back. He shuffled closer to Eiji on the bed and Eiji wished he didn't.

"Eiji, let me look after you," Ash said, his jade eyes not leaving Eiji's face. "You're scaring me. I've never seen you like this and I don't know what to do," he admitted, a dash of panic finding its way in his tone. "You take care of me all the time. So please let me take care of you for a change."

Eiji's face turned red at how close they were. If Ash moved just several inches further, his lips would be -

No. Eiji had to stop himself. He couldn't keep going there.

"Eiji," Ash started again, obviously not giving up, "tell me what's wrong. And don't pretend everything's okay," he said, pointing an accusatory finger at Eiji. "You lied so you could go to the office, you were crying almost the entire way there, and then when you arrived you just. Lay there," he said, his voice breaking mid-sentence. Ash was upset and Eiji hated it. He hadn't even noticed Ash was following him.

"Please, Eiji," he pleaded. "Please tell me what made you so upset that you had to leave our home to cry."

Eiji looked at Ash's face etched with worry and thought to himself that he was really the most vile person alive. He was making the person he loved more than himself worry over his own pettiness. That was a stupid, irresponsible thing to do.

"Sorry I worried you," he said finally. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Eiji -"

Eiji shook his head. "It wasn't anything serious -"

"Wasn't anything serious?" Ash snapped. "You were crying and lying on your desk as if you had no more will to live. You lied to my face and came up with a see-through excuse to cover it up. What part of that is not serious?"

Eiji dropped his gaze down where his hands were folded on his lap.

"Eiji," Ash started again, his tone softer. "Don't hide from me. I don't hide from you any more. There's nothing we can't work through together, but I need to know what I'm working with," he said gently, removing stray locks of Eiji's hair from his face.

"You... shouldn't touch me," he said, shocking both himself and Ash. He hadn't meant to say that. His mind dumped words out of his mouth on its own.

It was right, though.

"Why?" Ash squeezed through his throat, voice strained. "Did someone -"

"No," Eiji interrupted him. "It's just... you shouldn't. For you. Not for me."

Ash frowned. "That sounds like a bunch of crap to me. I like it when you touch me."

"It's not a matter of liking it, Ash," he said tiredly. "Just... drop it. Please."

"I can't, Eiji," Ash said, sounding more agitated than he was moments ago. "I can't let this go on. You really think I didn't notice you weren't well these last few weeks? Months maybe?"

So he did notice. Eiji really was a terrible liar. "I noticed and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if it would go away on its own or if I would have to intervene. And now I think it's the latter," he continued, taking Eiji's hand and giving it a squeeze. "Please talk to me. Tell me what's going on with you. I'm here for you."

"Please don't make me. It's personal and I don't want to share," he said as he wiggled his hand out of Ash's grasp, got off the bed and took his pillow and duvet with him. Ash looked so shocked and betrayed Eiji was sure he would be angry with him the next morning.

That was fine, though.

He wasn't going to ask for anything any more. He had his fill of Ash's hugs and sharing a bed. Ash lazily sprawling over his lap when they watched movies. Of picking him up and spinning him, of laughing at the top of their lungs and not caring about the neighbors complaining about the noise.

It was time to let someone more deserving took that place.


	17. April 1994

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things get resolved, others don't.

I

After months of trying to find the right place, the right time and the right weather, Ash had finally went on his date.

They weren't going to an amusement park as Eiji had suggested way back in January. Ash'd been looking forward to it because it seemed a great idea, but his date scoffed, saying it was childish and not very romantic.

So now Ash was dressed in a button down blouse, his hair gelled back, smelling of the new cologne he got specifically for this occasion.

Truth be told, he wasn't sure what he was expecting. They were going out for dinner in a very formal restaurant he had never been to before, he had no idea what he would talk about with her, and to be completely honest, he wasn't really in a mood for meeting anyone.

He checked his watch. 19:30. She should be here soon.

Eiji was worrying him more and more. He had to find a new tactic, something that would make Eiji open up and tell him what was wrong. He found it difficult to relax when he knew Eiji wasn't doing good.

For the past four months, they've slept in separate beds. Ash tried not to make a big deal out of it, but he missed Eiji's presence in their room. He tried to make it easy on Eiji, to let him sort things out in his head, to give him the space and closure he needed.

Except he thought space and closure were the last thing Eiji needed. The bags under his eyes and the weak attempts at smiles stood testimony to that.

"Ashu!" He heard a voice calling him. He looked to his side, and there she was, waving at him. He waved back and made an effort to hide his thoughts behind a smile.

She was dressed simply and yet elegantly - a maroon dress that ended just a little short of her knees, ballet pumps and her hair tied in a bun at the top of her head.

When she approached him, she didn't hug him, nor kiss him, which Ash was grateful for. For the first time, he was glad the Japanese were stricter with affection in public.

He extended his hand and she took it, giggling as Ash gave it a small squeeze. She started chatting right off the bat - about how her day'd been, how her students were brilliant and easy to work with, et cetera et cetera. Ash could barely follow what she was saying.

He checked in their reservation and the waiter led them to a secluded part of the restaurant that was obviously made for couples. It was dimly lit, with small compartments made for two. It was decorated in red and black, there were candles on the table and flowers sitting in a vase.

Feeling a little claustrophobic, Ash sat himself down and made room for his date on the love seat.

They made their orders and the part of the date which Ash dreaded the most was coming up: more conversation.

It's not that he didn't like talking to her. He did. But Eiji was home, he was not well, and Ash kept worrying about what he was doing and how he was feeling.

"You never told me what school you went to," Sakura, his date, said. "What college did you finish?"

"None," Ash said. "I was homeschooled."

She seemed puzzled by what he'd said. "Homeschooled and you work as a waiter?"

If Ash hated anything, he hated personal questions. "Yeah. You could say I wasn't a very good student."

Thankfully, she let it drop for now. She took a sip of her sake and scrunched up her face at the bitterness. Ash smiled. Sake made Eiji do that.

He wondered if he was doing alright.

"What? Why are you smiling?" She said and blushed, her gaze falling on her glass.

"Sorry, it's just that you reminded me of a friend," he said honestly. "He can't handle sake well, either."

Ash didn't think he said anything wrong but Sakura's face gave off an expression of what he'd learned years ago was resentment masked by layers of etiquette. "Oh," she said tersely.

The air became tense after that. It seemed like no matter what Ash said, she became more and more disappointed with him.

Ash took another swing of his sake. It was gonna be a long evening.

II

"...so then he took the _entire_ thing and drank it _one _go. I'm telling you, Eiji can stomach just about anything," he finished the anecdote and giggled at the memory. That one time when he dared Eiji to mix expired ketchup, green tea, mineral water, joghurt and ginger and drink it all. And he _did_. He won the dare and his reward was more a punishment than a reward - Ash had to cook him dinner for a week.

Sakura wasn't impressed. She kept looking at him with this weird mixture of disaprovement and disbelief as he talked about his and Eiji's day to day life. Ash couldn't figure out why she wasn't commenting on anything he was saying - she was being oddly quiet.

Their meals arrived and Ash was grateful for the momentary pause from chatting. Sakura made the silence tense but Ash decided to ignore it as best he could and focused on his dumplings.

She broke the silence as abruptly as she made it. "You... are really close to Okumura-kun aren't you?"

Ash stared at her wide-eyed for a quick second. _Close?_ That was an uderstatement.

He composed himself and decided it wouldn't be such a good idea to say that outloud. "Yeah. He's -" he made a pause there. Best friend? Yeah, but Eiji was so much more than that. Soulmate? Too cheesy to say.

"We're renting a house together actually -"

At that, Sakura stood up so fast it was a miracle she didn't flip the table over. She leaned over the table and into his face, staring at him dead in the eyes. "If you were gay, you should have just _said_ so," she growled at him, her face flushed, before storming out of the restaurant.

Ash was sitting there with his mouth open minutes after she left. He was too bewildered to even move.

_Gay?_

III

Ash'd had a long night and an even longer car ride to process what'd happened.

He was aware his and Eiji's relationship wasn't exactly... conventional. He never really thought about what others might say about it. There was never time for him to sit down and think about it.

He'd come to Japan nearly 10 years ago, but in all that time he and Eiji kept to themselves. They were working for the bigger part of it, trying to make ends meet. They would come home exhausted from work and socialization with other people was simply not an option.

And that was fine. Ash never felt he needed anyone in his life besides Eiji. Eiji was his biggest support and the first person to show him unconditional love and selflessness. He loved being around him.

He gripped the steering wheel of his car tighter. Who gave a fuck about what others thought? Eiji was special to him. Eiji cared for him. And he cared for Eiji.

Others could fuck off and mind their own business for all Ash cared.

Their home came into view from the road. Feeling giddy like a child who was promised candy, he pulled over and parked the car. He was happy the night was over. With a little luck, he wouldn't see Sakura or any of Misa's friends any more. From now on, it was him and Eiji again.

He paused before he opened the front door.

Him and Eiji, huh?

He couldn't stop his face from blushing.

Shaking his head, he unlocked the door and came inside. It wasn't that late, so the lights were still on in the house. There was no sight of Eiji, though.

Figuring he was probably taking a bath, Ash decided to change into something more comfortable. His button down was itchy and a little bit tighter than he would like it to be. He was a t-shirt and sweatpants kinda guy.

He went to pour himself a glass of water and that's when he saw him.

Eiji was sprawled on the living room couch, where he'd been sleeping for months now, fast asleep in a weird position that couldn't possibly be comfortable. Ash's heart fell a little at the sight.

Eiji'd been torturing himself a lot, lately. Ash was at a loss for what to do.

He walked over to him carefully and gently tried to shake him awake. Eiji stirred a little and mumbled something incoherent.

Ash chuckled. Even at 30 years old, Eiji still looked cute when he was sleepy.

He gave his shoulder another shake. "Come on, dummy," Ash said, keeping his voice low so he didn't scare him, "you won't be able to fall asleep later."

At that, Eiji grumbled something and his eyes fluttered open. It took a moment or two for them to focus and take notice of Ash. He let out a tired yawn and sat up on the couch.

Ash didn't know if it was his imagination or the expression on Eiji's face truly saddened when he saw him.

Pushing his doubts aside, he went for a smile. "Hey sleepyhead," he teased, hoping Eiji would lighten up a little. "How was the nap?"

Eiji yawned and stretched his arms over his head. "Mm, it was good. I could sleep more, though," he said and Ash believed him. Eiji hadn't been sleeping well lately.

His smile seemed fake when he spoke. "How was the date?"

Ash shook his head lightly. "I won't be seeing her again."

Eiji seemed surprised at that, his round eyes widened, mouth open in an 'o'. "Oh," he said. "Why? What happened?"

Ash sighed. He knew Eiji wanted to know the details, but if he was being honest, the date stirred something in Ash, it made him unsure of his place in Eiji's life and of Eiji's in his and it made him feel something really weird.

Ever since the dinner, he'd feel something very warm and pleasant whike he was thinking about Eiji. Something he was unable to pinpoint and put the words.

It was just one of those things a person can feel, but not explain.

"Let's just say," he said carefully, "that I realized that I don't like her. At all."

"But you said you liked talking to her," Eiji said, seeming puzzled by Ash's response, "I thought if you get to know her better, you'll like her."

"Nah. She's pretty and all but she doesn't really stand a chance."

"Against - ?"

_'Against you,'_ Ash almost blurted out, catching himself off guard.

Deep down, he knew it was the truth. Compared to his love for Eiji, nothing stood a chance.

He didn't know if that was wise to say, though. He needed some time to think about it.

He smiled to himself. Never before did he have time to sit down and sort his feelings out. It was always running for your life and standing your ground in defence of others, one moment after the other.

But things were different now.

He felt his cheeks grow warm. "Against _this_," he said and leaned in towards Eiji. He pulled him into his chest gently and placed his palms on the planes of his back. He felt Eiji's breath catch in his throat before his breathing got even again.

They stayed like that for a moment, Ash hugging Eiji, before Eiji decided to break the silence that befell them. Ash felt him swallow hard. "Ash," he said seriously, "I have something to tell you."

Puzzled by Eiji's nervousness, Ash pulled away from him to look at his face. There was worry there. A deep, deep worry and hurt, and Ash knew Eiji's anxiety was probably making whatever he had to say even harder for him.

Ash braced himself. He was hoping Eiji would finally tell him what'd been on his mind for the past six months. "Okay," he said calmly, "go ahead."

Eiji looked away and pulled his knees into his chest. "I... I don't know how to start this, so I need you to listen and... not interrupt," he squeezed through his throat and swallowed hard again.

Ash nodded his head and let Eiji take his time.

He seemed to be bracing himself. "I... I like guys," he finally said, sounding ashamed. "Please don't freak out. And let me finish before you say anything."

To say Ash was shocked was an understatement. All these years of living with him and he had no clue.

He had so many questions. But they would have to wait.

Eiji wasn't done.

"I... I'm so sorry, Ash," he said. He sounded so broken Ash wanted to hug him until he came back together. "I'm really, truly sorry. I know how hard this must be for you to hear -"

"It's -" he started to say but then remembered he wasn't supposed to interrupt him. He shook his head and let Eiji continue.

Eiji's voice sounded so distant that if Ash wasn't looking at his face, he wouldn't know it was his. "And... I like you. A lot. Not just as a friend."

Ash's brain stopped working. He felt as if someone'd slapped him.

Eiji liked him?

He thought he'd need another lifetime to process that.

Eiji put his forehead on his knees. "I'm so sorry Ash. I know you're probably disgusted. By me. And I understand if you don't want anything to do with me any -"

"Eiji," Ash said, unable to keep quiet. "Eiji, look at me."

Eiji tilted his head up just a little. His eyes were full of unshed tears. Ash put his hands on Eiji's shoulders, trying to ground him. "You're not disgusting. Alright?"

Eiji didn't reply but he didn't move his gaze away from Ash either, so Ash took it as a sign to continue. "Is this what's been eating you alive this whole time?"

Eiji nodded weakly.

"Eiji," Ash started gently, "there's nothing you can do that would make me think you're disgusting. Nothing. Understood?" Ash made a pause. "Well, actually there was this one time," he pretended to stroke his nonexistent beard, "when you sneezed on my muffin and there was snot all over it. That was nasty, man." Eiji gave him a weak attempt at a smile.

He lowered his gaze. "I'm sorry, Ash."

"Sorry for _what_ exactly?"

"For everything."

"You're not helping, Eiji."

Eiji sighed. "I'm sorry it turned out like this. I never wanted -" he was starting to shake. "I never wanted to make things complicated. And now..., well, they are."

"You didn't make anything complicated," Ash tried assuring him. "You're not disgusting. Or wrong."

Eiji let out a humorless laugh. "I wish."

"Why would you say that?"

"Because," Eiji said, "you can't possibly be unbothered by a... man liking you. And being so near you all the time."

So _that's_ where this was coming from.

Would he ever escape his past?

Eiji was being silly. Ash was okay with Eiji touching him. He had been for a long time now. And more often than not, he found himself craving Eiji's hugs and his presence in their shared room.

But Ash knew all too well what it was like to think of yourself as the lowest of the low. He knew that, even if he was to start convincing Eiji otherwise, ultimately it was Eiji who had to take a step forward.

"Eiji," he said gently, praying he picked his words right, "is this why you won't touch me anymore?"

Eiji nodded.

"And why you stopped sharing a room with me?"

Another nod.

"Will you come back? For me?" He asked finally.

Eiji lowered his gaze again. Ash caught a glimpse of a red blush spreading over his cheeks. "I don't think I should."

"I'm not afraid of you."

"I know."

"Then what's the problem?"

"The problem," Eiji sounded like he was about to fall apart, "is that I want more than just to hug you. God, I can't believe I just said that," he groaned in frustration. "I... I love you a lot, you know? So I, uh," he stumbled over his own words, "I don't think it's fair that I hug you or sleep next to you when...," he trailed off and swallowed hard, eyes glued on the floor.

"I don't mind that," Ash said. It came out blunter than it sounded in his head. He was really bad at comforting people.

But as bad as he was, he was speaking from the heart. He offered Eiji a smile. "This is the most genuine way anyone told me how they felt. I'm not gonna burn you at a stake for it," he assured him. "It's not wrong, you know? It's normal."

Eiji didn't seem convinced. That was understandable, Ash thought.

"Eiji, I don't want you to punish yourself. You can hug me. You can elbow me in the gut when I burn down our lunch. You can nap on me after a long day. You can sleep in my bed. I really don't mind. I want my Eiji back," he said, his voice shaking. "Because the one I have now is just a ghost. I can't touch him and I can't feel him. He doesn't laugh anymore. I sometimes wonder if he's alive at all."

Eiji blushed at his words. "I - I don't know what to say. Are you sure it's alright?" He sounded conflicted and Ash wanted to rip that out of him.

"Yes. Of course I'm sure," he smiled at him.

"But you'll tell me when it isn't," he added skeptically, "right?"

"That will never happen."

"Ash -"

Ash sighed. "I'm telling you - it will never happen. But if it means so much to you then sure, I'll tell you."

Eiji visibly relaxed. Ash didn't know what to think or feel.

He knew it would catch up to him later.

But for tonight, he could shove the events of the evening to the far back of his mind. He had a hurt Eiji to tend to, and that was priority number one.

He put on the best smile he could and let his hands wander from Eiji's shoulders to his hands. He took them in his own, gently massaging the tension there. "Let's go," he said gently. He pulled him to his feet and into his arms.

He cradled him like one would a baby and as he did so, he felt Eiji nuzzle his head in his neck. He was shaking, Ash realized. Must be the aftermath of letting out feelings he'd kept to himself for so long.

"Shh, it's okay," he comforted him. "It's okay Eiji, it's okay," he kept repeating and rubbing soothing circles on the planes of his back. He felt something wet trailing down his neck and soaking the neckline of his shirt.

He squeezed Eiji closer to his chest, silently reminding him that he was there for him. He wished he could do more. But right now, Eiji needed to sort his feelings out in his own head, and Ash couldn't go there with him.

His whole evening was a rollercoaster. Ash could barely make any sense out of it all. He was feeling so much and yet an odd calmness settled in his head.

Things made more sense now. Ash couldn't quite put his finger on why but Eiji's confession didn't surprise him. It was as if, somewhere in the far back of his conscious, he knew. Since the very beginning. He was more caught off guard by the fact that he'd been oblivious enough not to notice until the situation got so out of hand he had to do something about it.

He hugged Eiji tighter.

He didn't dare think about what this meant for the two of them. He wanted to give Eiji the world. He really did.

He just had no idea how.

Noting that Eiji'd calmed down a little, he pulled away just a tiny bit so he could see his face. His eyes were bloodshot and sunken, his nose red and a little runny from crying. He really needed some rest.

Ash tried not to think about how self-destructive Eiji'd been in the last few months because of him.

Ash tucked a strand of hair behind Eiji's ear. "Go grab a shower," he said in the softest tone he could muster, "and I'll go change our sheets. Sound good?"

Eiji nodded and they parted. Ash was praying to all the gods he knew existed Eiji would heal.

IV

"Comfortable?" Ash whispered in the darkness of the room.

"Yeah."

"Do you need anything? A glass of water maybe?"

Eiji sighed. "No. I'm just exhausted."

"Alright," Ash said and climbed in the bed next to Eiji. He took the duvet and pulled it all the way up to Eiji's chin, tucking him in. When his hand brushed Eiji's cheek, it was warm and soft, and it made Ash blush in turn. He was grateful for the darkness concealing his beet red face.

He had never had such an effect on another person. Nobody's ever blushed when he touched them.

He smiled to himself.

Under the covers, his hand found Eiji's and Ash twined their fingers together. He felt it again. That warm tingly feeling and heat in his cheeks.

It was a beautful feeling.

Slowly, he turned his head to the side to make sure Eiji was okay. He found a pair of dark eyes looking back at him, his expression unreadable.

Bringing their hands close to his heart, Ash smiled at him and gave his hand a squeeze.

"We'll be okay, Eiji," he whispered. "I promise."


	18. April 1994

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys 😚 sorry for the lack of updates. It's midterm season and on top of that ya girl got a job, so writing time is kinda hard to come by these days. 
> 
> I'm not too happy with this chapter, but I hope yall get to enjoy it. I just wanted to get something out for you cause I have no idea when the next update will be.

I

_The next day_

_Riiiing_

_Riiiing_

_Rii-_

Something heavy slammed itself on the brutally loud alarm clock and made it fall off the nightstand. It fell to the floor with a loud thud, causing a disgruntled groan from the half-asleep figure on the bed.

Ash _really_ hated mornings.

He'd thought he would grow used to them after years of working in early shifts, but he really wasn't that lucky. He still found it awfully hard to wake up enough to get up from his comfy bed.

_Riiiiiing_

_Goddamn that alarm clock._

Cussing under his breath, he rubbed at his eyes, as if that would make the pounding in his head go away. He slung his legs to the side of the bed and kicked the alarm clock with his foot into the wall. Ideally, _that _should've shushed the annoying thing up. Ideally.

_Riiiiiiiiiig_

Ash cursed the day Eiji came up with the brilliant idea of buying them that worthless trash of a product.

Feeling a little more awake, he picked up the wrecked clock and pressed the _off _button. They've had it for like two months, and Ash'd already managed to crack the glass protection on the front, break off one leg on which the clock was supposed to stand, and make five sets of batteries disappear under mysterious circumstances.

A sharp pain surged through his temples. He rubbed at them, trying to massage the tension.

He _really_ wasn't looking forward to working today. He had a very annoyed feeling that he'd get a lecture from Misa about his disaster date with Sakura.

Just the thought made the hammering in his head worse. He needed to get better coworkers, somehow.

Sighing tiredly, he grabbed his clothes and headed to the bathroom. It was gonna be a long day.

II

He knew something was off the moment he stepped into the café.

His boss, Mr. Nakamura, and Misa, were discussing something in a hushed tone and as soon as he'd walked in, the conversation died on their lips. They looked at him sternly, with that awful look Ash recognized as disgust being masked by a polite façade. They kept staring at him worldessly, and Ash felt as if he was a man to be hung for his crimes.

His brows furrowed. This couldn't be good. What the hell was up?

"Ash," said Mr. Nakamira, his voice sickeningly curt. "Why are you here today?"

Ash was taken aback. He felt as if everyone was in on a joke and he was the laughing stock. "Why, I work here, sir," he said, playing dumb. His voice sounded fake and artificial in his ears. "Is there a problem?"

"Oh, you are mistaken. You do not work here," he said, his voice dripping posion.

_What?_

"I'm afraid I don't understand, _sir_," Ash said, trying to keep calm.

And then it dawned on him.

_"If you were gay, you should have just said so!"_

_Fuck._

He shot daggers at Misa, who had the audacity to smile sweetly at him, as if she was getting some sick pleasure from ruining his life. He had no idea what the Japanese thought about being gay, but he assumed it was nothing good.

"People with your lifestyle are not welcome here," said Mr Nakamura darkly. "You should have known that. Now go, you are fired."

Ash's blood boiled.

He clenched his fists so hard his knuckles turned white. This _wasn't _happening.

"My _lifestyle_, huh," Ash sneered, staring him dead in the eyes. The old man shuffled uncomfortably under what Ash knew was the remmanant of the piercing gaze that got gang members trembling. Misa shuffled uncomfortably in her seat, looking disturbed by the sudden shift in the atmosphere.

Ash felt detached from his own body. It was as if he was watching a younger version of himself from the side. A younger, more vicious, more impulsive Ash.

He wanted to snap back at them. He wanted to hurt them with words, to have them feel the claws of the lynx so many people had believed he was. He wanted to cross a line, break glasses and plates and yell how wrong they were and how it was all a misunderstanding.

And he had come close to. But he collected himself on time, shook his head and started walking away. They may have said something to him, but his mind shut it all out.

He may have been a lynx once. He may have been a criminal, a danger to be around, and a boy who cared little about what he said and whom it hurt. But now, he was just Aslan. He was Aslan, and Aslan'd learned a long time ago that some people just aren't worth it.

And that there was one person who was worth it all.

III

_A week later_

For the first time in his life, Eiji was grateful he had work first thing in the morning. It was the same old routine - wake up, get dressed, work, get home and eat with Ash, and spend some time with him. Then off to bed, and repeat.

It gave him something familiar, something easy to fall into and not think too much.

Eiji felt quite miserable. He really had to learn to put a filter on his mouth. He'd blurted out his feelings out to Ash under a moment of weakness and he regretted it the moment Ash's eyes widened and his mouth fell agape.

Ash looked as if someone'd punched him and Eiji felt responsible.

Eiji shook his head. He wouldn't go there today. Especially not after how Ash treated him. He was the most loving person in the world, Eiji was certain. He'd been through so much and yet he kept insisting he wasn't disgusted by Eiji's feelings.

That, Eiji found hard to believe. But he was trying to.

But then Ash wanted to share a room again. He tended to him and was more gentle than Eiji'd ever seen him be. And then he took Eiji's hand and held it until they fell asleep.

So maybe, just maybe, Ash wasn't just trying to comfort him. Maybe he truly didn't mind.

Sighing, Eiji downed the coffee that'd gone cold sitting at his desk. It was bitter but it did the trick. He felt a tiny bit more awake.

He was grateful, above all. He had a friend who sincerely cared about him. Ash didn't push him away. He didn't yell nor make a face, as Eiji half-expected he would. Instead, he hugged him and talked to him, and the gesture made Eiji feel overwhelmingly loved.

He knew there was no way Ash would return his feelings, so he didn't even ask him about it. He was sure he'd fall apart if he heard the words. And yet, Ash loved him enough not to say them.

He truly was the luckiest man alive.

IV

_An evening, a week later_

They were getting ready for bed. Ash was unusually nervous for reasons he couldn't quite understand. His palms were sweaty and his mind was racing, making him jitterry and restless.

He turned to watch Eiji ponder over the job advertisements Ash'd collected after he got fired. He had found quite a few options for work, many of them paid more than his previous job was. It sucked that he got fired, but it couldn't be helped.

Ash knew _he_ should be the one focusing on picking the best one, considering _he's_ the one who got fired. But instead, he found it hard to focus on anything other than Eiji.

His gaze trailed curiously down the curve of his neck, the planes of his back, the shape of his arms. A blush blossomed on the tips of his ears and his cheeks. Another person has never made him blush before.

As if sensing he was being watched, Eiji looked over his shoulder, his focus shifting away from the papers and on to Ash. "Is something wrong?" he said. He looked a little confused, and Ash couldn't help himself but to think Eiji looked really sweet when he was confused.

"Nothing. I was just thinking how nice that shirt looks on you," Ash said without giving it a second thought. He'd realized what he blurted out loud once he saw Eiji's cheeks become beet red, and how he turned his head away, looking shy.

Ash's cheeks heated up some more. The realization that he had, in fact, meant what he said didn't help matters.

He didn't know what to think. He didn't exactly know how he felt. He didn't know what the smart thing to do was, nor how to figure out what to say next. He didn't know how Eiji would react.

So he decided he would, for maybe the first time in his life, not think at all.

Walking to the edge of the bed where Eiji was seated, Ash cleared his throat. He swallowed a lump and clenched the hem of his pajama top.

"Eiji," he started. "I wanna ask you something."

Eiji seemed to recover from his embarrassment earlier. "Go ahead."

"I...would you...," he stumbled over his own words. Not thinking was harder than he thought it would be. "Would you like to date me?" he finally said, a little breathless.

Eiji's eyebrows flew to his hairline, eyes widening in shock. Disbelief flashed across his features, only to be replaced by a frown a second later. Ash couldn't understand what he did wrong, but Eiji looked hurt.

"Please don't joke about that. It really isn't funny to me," he said. His voice was strained and he couldn't seem to look Ash in the eye.

Ash should've seen it comming. After keeping his feelings hidden for so long, it was no wonder Eiji couldn't believe him at first. "I wasn't joking."

"I said that isn't funny."

"I know what you said. But you don't seem to understand what _I'm_ saying," said Ash and sat next to Eiji, the matress protesting against his weight. He slowly reached over to touch Eiji's hand. "I was seriously asking," Ash said slowly, "if you would like to date me."

Eiji's eyes were so open Ash thought they might fall out of his skull. "I... where did this come from all of a sudden?"

Ash wished he could answer that.

He didn't know what had stirred his feelings for his friend. He had no idea how nor when it started.

But he did know Eiji was one of the few people who loved him unconditionally. One of the few people he could trust. The only person in his life who understood him. And the only person in the world who sacrificed so much to stay with him.

He knew he loved him. Somehow, he'd always known.

Ash wished he knew how to explain it. He shook his head at Eiji and tried to offer a reassurring smile. "I... feel a lot for you."

Eiji chuckled but there was no humor behind it. "Ash, you don't even _like_ me. I'm sorry but I don't understand why you're asking me this."

Ash flicked his forehead as if they were seventeen again, teasing each other and goofing around. "Stop being so stubborn, you idiot. If I didn't like you, I wouldn't have asked you."

Silence fell between them as Ash waited for Eiji to process his words. His hands were shaking in his lap. Ash couldn't believe he'd just said that. He wanted to shout at the top of his lungs how excited and happy he was he figured something about himself out.

It took him a long time but Ash finally understood. The tingly feeeling he got when he would hold Eiji's hand. His blush when he would accidentally see Eiji taking his shirt off to get ready for bed. The excitement he felt when he would come home from work and Eiji was waiting for him to have lunch together.

He finally understood he'd been in love with his friend for a long, long time.

"I want to be with you," Ash said sincerely. "Would you like to be with me, too?"

"I...gods, Ash, I still don't -" Eiji's voice broke. He covered his eyes with his hand. "I'm sorry," he squeezed through his throat. "It's a little too much for me."

Ash put his hand on Eiji's shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "I know it's hard for you," he said gently, "but try to believe me. I'm not messing with you. I really meant what I said." He hoped the sincerety translated into his words.

Eiji sniffed and wiped at his eyes with the back of his palm. "A-are you sure?" Eiji still sounded like he had doubts, but unlike before, there was something in his eyes, a hint of hope, a hint of faith.

Ash smiled. "I am."

Eiji flashed him a smile so brilliant Ash thought he'd never see anything brighter. It made him giddy to think he was the reason behind it.

"You are, huh," said Eiji. He burst into giggles, the action making him look a lot younger than he was. Ash couldn't help it but to laugh with him. There was nothing funny about their situation, but Ash found it hard to stop. Eiji's laugh was contagious.

When they'd both calmed down, a somewhat awkward silence befell them. Ash had no idea what to do next, and apparently neither did Eiji.

"So, uh," said Eiji, rubbing the back of his neck nervously, "do you want to go sleep?"

Ash blinked at him.

"I - sure, yeah," his tongue clumsily stumbled to form words. "Yeah, let's do that."

'_Let's do that?'_

What a suave move.

In one fluid motion, Ash slid under the covers and shuffled to make room for Eiji. Eiji followed along, and a few seconds later, they were tucked in, back to back, the awkwardness in the room growing by the minute they spent pretending to be asleep.

Ash underestimated just how inexperienced he was with romance. His heart was hammering in his chest, coloring his cheeks pink. He felt first class embrrassment at how stupidly he handled the whole ordeal. He groaned at his own stupidity before turning around.

He found a pair of dark, kind eyes looking at him with so much emotion behind them Ash had to remind himself to breathe. Wordlessly, and very, very slowly, Eiji reached his hand to touch Ash's reddened cheek. His palm was warm and gentle against Ash's skin.

Ash felt it again. The tingles that only Eiji caused him. He felt a familiar warmth spreading over his face and onto his neck as he leaned into Eiji's hand. He'd never thought he'd enjoy being touched like this. Yet with Eiji, everything seemed different.

It seemed right.

"Ash?" Eiji whispered in the darkness of the room, stirring Ash from his thoughts.

"Yeah?"

Eiji made a pause before his lips stretched in a wide smile. "Thank you. For giving me a chance," Ash heard him swallow hard. "I still think this is a dream. I don't want to wake up."

Ash felt a tinge of sadness for Eiji. He was the kindest, most beautiful person in the world. And yet, the only one who couldn't see it was himself. "It's not a dream, Eiji," he said as gently as he possibly could and inched closer to Eiji on the bed. He wrapped his arm around Eiji's waist and nuzzled his head in his chest.

"I'm not going anywhere."


	19. November 1994

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya girl is depressed and tired, so have some belated fluff.

I

Ash had never liked hugs.

He hated feeling another person's hands on his body. For a split second it would make his stomach churn and his hairs stand on end, his body succumbing to memories of dark hotel rooms. It would take a brief moment for him to recover and ground himself, but the unwanted feeling of being touched would linger long after the person removed their hands and carried on with their life.

A friendly handshake he could handle, throwing fists had been necessary for almost as long as he could remember, but any more than that would make his skin crawl.

Things were changing.

In the years that he'd spent in Japan with Eiji, he had become more receptive to being touched. It wasn't always easy nor welcome, but on most days, he was fine with Eiji touching him. To his own surprise, he would ocassionally catch himself _wanting_ Eiji's touch. On his hair, over his shoulders, around his back, anywhere really.

It was something Ash though he'd never live to experience. But he has.

It was an unusal thing to get used to.

Their front door creaked as it let a tired and very, *_very_* cold Eiji inside. He was a breath away from looking like an icicle.

"Brrr, s-s-stupid, s-snow," he grumbled as he threw his scarf and gloves haphazardly on a hanger, carelessly kicked off his boots and made a beeline for the heater. As he clung to it like a child to their teddy bear, Ash noted Eiji was wet, head to toe.

He knew he shouldn't laugh. He really shouldn't. Eiji was freezing, he was shivering and his teeth were rattling, and there really wasn't much that was funny about the situation. He really shouldn't laugh.

He laughed regardless.

Before Ash could compose himself, Eiji had already thrown a pair of wet, smelly socks in his direction. He must be losing his edge because before he could even react, they slammed him square in the face.

"Eww, your feet stink," he complained, removing the soggy socks from his face. He off-handedly tossed them to the side, deciding to worry about them wetting their carpet later.

He had a mission.

"Hey, what are you doing? Those socks are dirty, they're going to -" Eiji started nagging but stopped abruptly when Ash pulled him into a hug.

There it was. That unusual, new feeling of craving touch. He didn't know why he did it. He just wanted to hug Eiji.

Eiji's face was cold where Ash had pressed it to his neck, except for the very tips of his ears. They were reddening and warm. He was apparently at a loss for what to say because his little mouth was open in a 'o' and it took him a while to gain some composture to hug back.

Ash decided he loved Eiji's hugs.

They'd never filled him with that awful feeling of dread. They were warm and cozy, full of gentleness and care. They felt like a warm morning sunshine casting it's first glow on a cold winter morning. They felt like home.

It was one of the rare times he'd engaged touching another person, Ash realized. No wonder Eiji seeemed to be shocked. It was always Eiji that initiated, and then waited for Ash to reciprocate, to make sure it was alright. This was a completely novel feeling, a new experience he never had the pleasure of having before.

It felt nice, he decided.

He didn't know how long they stood there with their arms coiled around one another, Eiji's wet hair dripping on Ash's shirt.

"Hmm, what's the occasion?" asked Eiji, his voice muffled by Ash's chest.

Oh.

"There is no occasion," he said truthfully.

Eiji seemed to consider his answer. "So did you _want _a hug?"

Ash nodded his head, feeling blood rushing to his cheeks. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Eiji smiling. He raised himself on his tiptoes and planted a kiss on Ash's cheek.

Ash still hadn't gotten used to those.

He groaned, feeling his cheeks burn, and buried his face in Eiji's hair. He heard Eiji giggle and felt his hands pulling him closer to his chest.

Ash didn't want to let go, ever.

II

It became a ritual of theirs.

Every Saturday, Eiji would go prepare them breakfast before Ash would even _consider_ waking up. Then, Eiji would come to their room, drag him out of bed by force, dump some water over his head, Ash would yell, Eiji would smack his head, they would eat and go run errands.

Eiji's favorite part of the ritual was when, before he could walk out the door, Ash would appear at his side and simply tap his forearm. Eiji would open his arms for a mandatory daily hug, and, depending on how generous he was feeling, he would sometimes lift Ash up and spin him, would sometimes hug him and rub at his back, and would sometimes tickle him if he had been too big of a pain to wake up that morning.

Eiji wanted to remember the smile that graced Ash's lips forever. When they hugged, it was as if the world melted away into nothing and there was only them, Ash and Eiji against fate, against the odds.

Eiji loved how a hug could completely change Ash's features. The rough edges disappearead, the angles of his face became softer, he was less attentive and looked a little unsure of what to do. He would close his eyes and hum in pleasure, body relaxing into Eiji's touch.

He reminded Eiji of the time when his sister was a baby and Eiji was learning how to hold her properly. One arm along the back, hand cupping the small, fragile head, other arm securing the little creature in the embrace.

Eiji would smile too. He would carress him as gently as he could, proud that he could make Ash feel safe and loved in his arms.

III

"Your hair has grown long, Ash," Eiji pointed out. "Why don't you cut it a bit?"

Ash smirked. "Don't you think I'm handsome like this, Ei-chan?" He asked and shook his head ever so slightly so his shoulder-length hair fell elegantly on his face.

Teasing Eiji was his new favorite hobby. He loved how varied Eiji's reactions were - from getting all flustered and embarrassed to getting adorably mad and firing back arguments that Ash could beat without breaking a sweat.

Today was a day for a flustered Eiji, apparently.

His face flared up, his cheeks and the tips of his ears becoming flushed. He rubbed at the side of his neck, exasperatedly. "I meant," he started elaborating, "you would look better if it was short. It covers your eyes when it's like this," he said and flicked two stray strands that decides to cover his right eye.

Ash tried not to blush at the gesture.

"So _do_ something about it, then," said Ash before he could stop himself. "If you like it so much when it's short."

Eiji's eyes widened, the brown in them honey-sweet. "Really?" He beamed. "I can do that?"

Ash nodded his head and sat upright on the couch he was sprawled on. "I'll go get scissors -"

"No, I have a better idea," said Eiji, leaving to get something from the bathroom. Just as Ash was about to ask what he could _possibly_ mean by that, Eiji returned, carrying a small comb, bobby pins, and hair bands. How they even owned half of those was beyond Ash.

Eiji hurriedly placed all the items on their kitchen table and gestured for Ash to sit in a chair. He complied, a puzzled look on his face as to what Eiji was going to do to him.

"Keep your head straight, like this," he said as he took Ash by the cheeks and made him look straight ahead. "Do not bend it, okay?" Eiji said as he started working on untagling knots in Ash's hair. He gently combed through the locks, one by one, until his hair was nicely groomed, root to ends. He then picked up several bobby pins and used them to section away some shorter strands so they weren't in his way.

He then used the end of the comb to divide the hair on the side of Ash's head into three sections. Ash had no idea what was happening.

"What are you doing to me back there?"

"Braiding your hair."

Huh. Ash had no idea Eiji could braid, nor had he ever had his hair braided before.

It felt nice.

"You'll make me into a girl, Eiji."

Eiji sighed. "I won't make you into a girl, you big baby. I will make you pretty," Eiji said. He touched him carefully, paying extra attention not to pull or tug at his hair. His fingers brushed at Ash's scalp, his cheekbones, his ears. It was a pleasant feeling. Ash found comfort in it.

"But I'm _already_ pretty," he complained.

"Well, you'll be prettier. Give me that bobby pin, please," Eiji said and Ash tried to will away the blush that appeared at the nonchalant way that Eiji called him pretty.

"Okay. That is one side. Now the other," he said happily. He braided quickly and skillfully, which made Ash realize, with a pang of jealousy, that Eiji had done this before. He had braided someone else's hair before his.

It felt strange to be jealous of something so mundane. "So whose hair did you braid before?" he asked, unable to keep it to himself. His own voice sounded fretful in his ears.

Eiji chuckled. "My sister's. She loved experimenting with her hair, so she let me play around with it when we were little. And not so little."

_Oh._

Well that was embarrassing.

"There! You are all done," Eiji said excitedly, tying the two braids together with a hair band. "Go see if you like it."

When Ash saw his reflection in the bathroom mirror, he was taken aback by Eiji's mastery at braiding. The sides of his hair were beautiful braids starting all the way from his temples and ending at the nape of his neck, where they entwined together into one, giving a crown-like appearance to his hair. In another life, Eiji could have been a hair stylist.

"So? What do you think?" Eiji asked expectantly. He was rocking back and forth on his tiptoes nervously, as if what Ash said next could change the world.

Ash's lips curved into a smile. "It looks amazing, Eiji. I had no idea you were so talented," he said sincerely. He meant every word. He truly had no idea a guy could braid hair like that. On that note, he realized he would've lost virtually all respect he had from his gang if they were to ever see him with his hair like this.

He wondered if they were all still together. A part of him hoped they were. He'd never admit it to them, but they were his friends too, not just gang members. He hoped they got off the streets and made something of themselves.

When he turned around to look at Eiji, he found him smiling so widely it was a miracle it wasn't hurting his face. His eyes sparkled, his smile so big and goofy Ash wanted to scoop him in his arms and carry him all around the house.

Feeling bold, he took Eiji by the waist and pulled him closer, revelling in the surprised yelp that escaped his lips. Removing a few black strands of hair with his hand, Ash planted a quick kiss on his forehead.

When he looked down, he was met with an adorable sight - Eiji's face was flustered and there was a wide, goofy smile on his lips. Ash couldn't help but to smile too.

IV

Cuddled on the sofa, Eiji felt at home.

His head was resting on Ash's shoulder as they watched a late night show, a blanket draped over them for extra warmth. Eiji'd stopped paying attention a long time ago.

He was too busy thinking about Ash to listen to what was being said on TV. He closed his eyes and smiled as he felt Ash's hand on his waist carressing him gently. Eiji was overwhelmed in the best way possible.

He loved Ash so much it was hard to contain it sometimes.

He had to, though. He was a little unsure of what they were to each other. They haven't done much aside from cling onto each other right before falling asleep, hug and cuddle like they were now.

As much as Eiji wanted a straightforward answer, he knew the last thing Ash needed was to feel pressured into something he may not be ready for. This was Ash's first real relationship, the first he initiated on his own terms and with the person of his choosing.

Eiji felt his cheeks burn at that.

_Ash had chosen him._ That fact had not yet fully dawned on Eiji, even though months had passed since they have started what they have now. It felt otherwordly, as if it was something that was happening to another person and Eiji was watching it unravel and blossom into something more and more beautiful by each passing day.

He sometimes had to remind himself that it wasn't him looking from the sidelines, but that it was him to whom it was happening. Ash loved him and trusted Eiji wouldn't hurt him.

So Eiji stayed silent. He decided it was for the best to let Ash dictate the pace.

He snuggled himself further into Ash's chest and earned himself a shy giggle from the blonde. The hand that wasn't on Eiji's waist moved into his hair and started gently combing through it. It was so pleasant and cozy Eiji was fighting the urge to fall asleep right there and then.

He looked up to see Ash's face and he found him immersed in thought. His nose was scrunched up and the corners of his mouth downturned just a little bit. Eiji thought he looked very handsome like this.

Eiji was brought back to Earth once Ash noticed him staring. He blushed like crazy but he kept Ash's gaze. He wanted to look at him more.

Ash wiggled a little underneath Eiji and Eiji took it as a sign to get off him. He reluctantly moved away and switched positions so that he was sitting on the sofa. He was beginning to think he made Ash uncomfortable.

Wordlessly, Ash untangled himself from the blanket they were under and pulled Eiji to his feet. He took Eiji's cheeks in his hands a little too roughly to be considered gentle, his fingers trembling, face stoic. He looked...distant. As if he wasn't quite himself.

Eiji opened his mouth to ask him what was wrong, but just as he did, Ash captured his lips in his. Eiji was too stunned to speak. Ash kissed him roughly and with a lot of tongue.

He'd imagined what it would feel like to kiss Ash more than once. Would he blush? Would he be nervous? Would he feel brave enough to take him by the waist and pull him closer? Would it feel good? He was hoping it would.

Now that it was happening however, Eiji felt more than a little uncomfortable.

Ash moaned in Eiji's mouth and Eiji could just barely collect himself enough to realize they sounded entirely fake, entirely staged. It made him sick to his stomach.

"N-no -" he started, but Ash didn't seem to hear him. Eiji grabbed his shoulders and lightly pushed him away. "Ash, please -" he said breathlessly and Ash finally seemed to register what was happening. "_Stop_."

Eiji hated seeing Ash so hurt. His eyes were wide with disbelief. His mouth was slightly open. He looked down in shame, and Eiji didn't dare think about what was going through his head right now.

He looked like a scared animal. Except, animals aren't scared of themselves.

"Ash -" Eiji started gently. He didn't reach to touch him. He didn't dare.

Ash was starting to shake. "I - what have I -" his voice broke mid-sentence. Tears formed in the corners of his eyes.

Eiji slowly approached him, careful not to make sudden movements. He opened his arms and stood there, as he'd done countless times before, waiting for Ash to come to him.

If he was being honest, what Ash just did shook him to the core. He felt awful. He felt like he violated Ash, even though it was Ash who kissed him, and not the other way around. He never wanted their first real kiss to go this badly.

He swallowed a lump and took a step forward. Ash was visibly shaking now. He had his arms wrapped around himself, a feeble attempt at not falling apart.

Eiji took another step to him, and suddenly they were only inches apart. "Ash," he said gently. "I'm not angry with you. Please come here." Ash looked up at him apologetically, something in his eyes pleading for understanding and forgiveness, and yet so full of guilt it hurt Eiji to see it.

He shook his head. "I-I'm so sorry Eiji -"

"Come here first," said Eiji with what he was hoping was a reassuring smile. "And then apologize."

Gingerly, Ash took a step forward and walked into Eiji's arms. Eiji wrapped his arms around Ash's trembling back and whispered soothing nothings into his ear. He hated seeing Ash suffer. He hated it from the bottom of his heart.

"I'm s-sorry Eiji," Ash sobbed into his shirt. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to -"

"_Shh_," Eiji shushed him. "It's okay Ash. I promise I'm not mad." Eiji tucked a stray lock of blond hair away from Ash's eyes. "I want you to promise me something."

Ash nodded wordlessly.

"Promise me that you will never, _ever_ push yourself into something you don't feel ready for."

Ash's eyes widened. "W-what?"

"You heard me. That's what I want you to promise."

"But I _wanted_ to kiss you -"

Eiji sighed. "Sometimes, baby," he said, cupping Ash's cheek, "things that we want aren't good for us in the moment. You wanted to kiss me. And I wanted you to kiss me. But -" he paused to make sure Ash was still listening, "you aren't ready. Not yet."

Ash avoided to look him in the eye. He turned his head away, looking even more miserable than before.

"Hey," Eiji tried to sound more optimistic than he felt. "You'll get better. Just give yourself time, alright?"

Ash was still looking away, his thoughts out of Eiji's reach.

"I can't even kiss you," he said suddenly, taking Eiji by surprise. He wasn't expecting him to speak up. "Without fucking it up."

"That's not true -"

"How is it not true? I _just_ did that. I'm surprised you still want to put up with me -"

"_Aslan_," Eiji said, and Ash visibly flinched. Eiji only ever called him by his real name when he wanted to add to the seriousness of his tone. He squeezed Ash closer to his chest and took his chin in his hand, forcing him to look straight in front of him. "You will overcome this, Ash. After all," he said and smiled at him, "we're in this together. You won't fight this alone."

A tear rolled down Ash's cheek. "I - what did I ever do to deserve you?"

Eiji smiled at him as he wiped the tear off with his thumb. "I often ask myself the same about you."

Ash blushed at the sentiment. "I - I don't know what to say Eiji. You're the best person who's ever been in my life."

Eiji found himself blushing, too. He couldn't stop smiling.

"You still haven't promised, though."

"Hm?"

"I'm not letting you off the hook. You have to promise me you'll take your time. Find what pace feels right."

"O-okay. I promise. I'll look out for myself more from now on."

Eiji smiled wider. He leaned in slowly, careful not to spook him, and placed a small peck in the corner of Ash's mouth. "I'll hold you up to it."

Ash returned his smile. "Okay."


	20. *******HIATUS ANNOUNCEMENT*******

Hi guys ^^

Yall have been super supportive of me and I appreciate that so so much. Thank you for sticking by this story. I read all of your comments and I blush every time I see one. I sometimes can't believe people actually wanna read what I write.

You've seen the title. I felt bad for not updating regularly, and I know a lot of other authors do that, but personally, I like sticking to a schedule. And I haven't been, for a while now. What can I say, life gets in the way of things. My mental health's been pretty bad lately, and writing this... very heart-wrenching story isn't doing me any good. At all. I need an indefinite break from it, until I get back on my feet. I guess now I understand how the rest of you feel when I update and it's full blown angst :'D

Don't worry though! I have the entire fic planned out and I won't forget about it. I just need to get a little better before I get back into writing it. Also, the end to the fic will be worth the wait.

Thank you again for being so supportive of me! I love you all <3

~ Ami


	21. December 1994

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys 💕💖💕💕💕 I had this wip in a folder I forgot about and since I feel better now, I decided to give it a go and try to finish it. It's not really my full potential, but it's the best I can do at the moment. I hope you enjoy it 😙 and thank you so much for reading!!!! 
> 
> (I'll try to update again in two weeks, but I can't promise anything. I do feel better overall, but that tends to oscilate. Thanks for being patient with me!)

  
I

White.

Everything was white. Instinctively, Ash's eyes darted around the small waiting room, scanning every corner and every shadow for signs of danger. Two women around his age were sitting opposite of him. And old man without an eye further down the hall. Muffled conversations could be heard from the room near his seat.

Old habits die hard, they said.

Not finding anything suspicious or worth his attention, he sat himself down on a chair and tried to relax.

The thing about hospitals is, they've always made him vary. Consequence of nearly dying a number of times in there, he supposed. This wasn't exactly a hospital, but the walls were barren and painted white, the paint was chipping near the windows, the two staff members that were there were unapproachable and the whole place was giving off a very unwelcoming vibe. The only thing that was a constant reminder that this wasn't _actually_ a hospital was the lack of antiseptic. The waiting area smelled of a refreshener people use at home, but that did little to make Ash feel homey.

Eyes cast down, he looked at where his hands rested in his lap.

_Bloody,_ was all he could think of.

There was blood on them, but there wasn't, not really. They were clean and smelled of that mint soap Eiji liked so much. He sighed and shook his head, willing the thought away.

He hadn't told Eiji he was considering therapy, not yet. It's not like Eiji would judge him or think badly of it. Hell, he'd be happy for him. Ash knew that better than anyone.

A small part of him was afraid to admit he needed it. If he admitted he needed to see someone about the clusterfuck that was his brain, it would be as if he was admitting he was far more messed up than he was letting on.

Ash was many things. But he wasn't stupid.

He was aware his fucked up head was costing Eiji sleep at night and energy during the day. It must be draining to be the person who pushes their own needs and worries aside to care for someone else. It was exhausting and laborous, and even though Eiji had not complained once, Ash decided enough was enough.

He would fix himself, and then he would make everything up to Eiji. He silently promised that to himself when he dropped him off to work in the morning. He would make sure to care for Eiji the same way Eiji cared for him.

He still couldn't fathom why Eiji would choose him, of all people, to fall in love with. Ash looked good, and as far as he was concerned, that was the only good thing about him.

But Eiji saw something else in him. He saw something worth loving. Worth staying up at night for. Worth putting his life on the line for.

Ash took a deep breath.

Eiji had never lied to him. He had never been anything besides sincere and loving towards Ash. And Ash wanted to reciprocate. He didn't want to burden Eiji by his own demons.

At the end of the hallway, the door to the doctor's office creaked open. A middle aged woman with a bun tied to the very top of her head and a girl around 4 years old walked down the short hallway together. The therapist looked kind, Ash noted. She had wrinkles around her eyes and mouth, made more apparent by the wide smile on her face. She giggled at something her small patient said as they approached. One of the women seated opposite of Ash stood up and the girl ran towards her. Her mother, Ash presumed.

<"Mom! Mom, Dr. Sato said she saw an _elephant _once! A real elephant mom!">

Ash chuckled at her. What an adorable kid. She was buzzing with energy as she spoke, rocking back and forth on her heels. <"And the elephant was *_painting_*! He was so talented! Can I be an elephant one day mom?">

Ash cracked a laugh, but the little girl's mother didn't look like she was happy about it. She sighed tiredly, sounding as if she'd rather be doing anything else.

<"No, what nonsense,"> she said tersely and nudged her head to the door, motioning the girl to go. Ash felt a clenching in his stomach when he saw her face crestfallen and her gaze drop to the floor. The mother was already outside when the little girl started walking after her, clearly disappointed. Ash felt sorry for the kid.

No child deserves shitty parents.

<"Your mother meant,"> he said, low enough so her mother can't hear <"you can"t be an elephant, but you can be a talented artist, little miss. I'm sure you will be better than that elephant."> She stopped in her tracks and looked at him for just a second before her face lit up. She gave him a toothy grin and went along with her mom, a little less reluctantly than before.

As he looked at her Ash thought that little girl's smile was the most precious thing he's ever seen in his life.

<"Mr. Callenreese? I assume that is you?"> The doctor said, and Ash's attention snapped back to where he was and what he was here for.

<"Yes.">

<"Then come on in,"> the therapist said, leading the way to her office, Ash trailing behind her.

_Here goes nothing._

II

Snowflakes danced in the chilly December evening, falling slowly and merrily, as if in greeting to the Christmas lights that hung on every house. Outside was strangely colder than Eiji was used to in Izumo. The view was magnificent, though. Seeing rooftops covered in snow and gardens decorated with ornamets had an aura of festivity that Eiji loved seeing.

He kept gazing out the window as he stirred the hot cocoa Ash had made for him. It was sloppily made and he somehow managed to spill some milk on the side of the cup so Eiji's sweater was now dirty from the dripping, but it made Eiji giddy regardless. It was endearing how Ash was still clumsy in the kitchen.

Eiji smiled, warmth blossoming in his chest.

_Ash._

He was really in over his head for that man, wasn't he? Every movement of his arms, every strand of hair, every smile and every shy glace out of the corner of his eyes made Eiji want to collec treasured memory, so he could remember the man he loved when they're both wrinkly and weary of old age. Eiji was turning into a big romantic and he regretted nothing.

He loved his little Ash so much. He loved everything about him. It was unfortunate that he wasn't able to tell him that yet. He deemed it wasn't the right moment to gush to him about how much he feels for him, although in his head he had planned about five different ways of how he wanted to do it. He wanted his beloved to take his time and deal with both their relationship and his feelings on his own terms and pace.

He was the happiest man alive, he thought. Because he had his Ash, his love, his friendship, his cocky attitude and his warm soul. Even without Ash saying it, Eiji knew he had given away his insecure heart and placed it into Eiji's hands.

It wasn't that Ash couldn't say the words. It was just that some things had to be said when the time was right.

After taking the last delicious sip of his hot cocoa, he placed the mug on the coffee table and decided he could do some reading until Ash got back from the store. Eiji was very proud of him. He now knew enough Japanese to read the shopping list correctly, pay for the items on it and make smalltalk with the cashier. He still had somewhat of an accent, but Eiji found it endearing.

Moving over to their now shared bedroom, Eiji took his copy of _"The Color Purple"_ and made him self comfortable under the covers.

Just as he was about to immerse himself in the book, he heard Ash come in and put the groceries he got in their respective cabinets. Eiji was also proud of Ash becoming neater and more organized than he was before. That was the result of Eiji's nagging, tickling, arguing, hitting him on the head with newspaper et cetera.

He heard his footsteps close in and he saw him standing in the doorway, a lazy smile on his beautiful face. Eiji smiled back.

"_Tadaima_," Ash said.

"_Okaeri._ Wanna join me?"

Ash nodded and grabbed his sweatpants, quickly shaking off his jeans to change into them. He crawled under the covers next to Eiji, shuffling as close to him as he possibly could. Eiji couldn't resist but to press a kiss to his forehead.

He just loved making Ash blush. It was his newfound hobby.

To nobody's surprise, Ash's cheeks became rosy as he buried his face in Eiji's shoulder in embarrassment. Returning to his book, Eiji chuckled at his lover's reaction to a chaste little peck on the forehead.

As Eiji kept reading, he noted there was no longer any weight on his shoulder. When he turned to the side to look at what Ash was up to, he found a pair of jade eyes eyeing him curiously, as if he was burning to ask him something but didn't know how to start. Letting his book rest on his lap, he took one hand and ran it through Ash's hair. He scratched him behind the ear like one would a cat, and revelled in the sight of Ash closing his eyes in contentment.

"Everything okay, Ash?" He asked.

Ash opened his eyes lazily. "Yeah. I'm enjoying myself, keep going." Eiji giggled at him. Ash was somewhere between a needy boyfriend and a little baby who demanded constant attention.

Eiji didn't mind either of the two.

His book long forgotten, he cupped Ash's face with both hands and pressed a kiss to both his cheeks. They were warm and soft, tinted with pink and just a dash of red. They were perfect for being kissed gently and slowly, for immersing yourself in the brief moment when your lips and the skin of his cheeks meet.

Eiji moved his hands away slowly, leaving Ash space to recover a little bit. Even though Ash had insisted he was fine with letting Eiji kiss him, Eiji doubted he was as nonchalant about it as he made himself out to be. Eiji wanted to give him space to collect himself, to think about what he wants and what he likes and, most importantly, where his boundaries were.

He thought that was a good decision on his part because Ash had not kissed him many times yet. He mostly let himself be kissed, but rarely reciprocated. Eiji was hoping he could help him to change that.

All in it's own time.

For now, though, Eiji was content with having Ash resting his head against his arm, curled into a ball, as they shared a peaceful evening together. 

III

"Hey Eiji?" Ash whispered into the darkness.

They were in their room, tucked under the covers of their shared bed, about to fall asleep.

"Yes Ash? What is it?" Eiji answered groggily.

Ash hesitated for a second before answering. "Can you... turn the lamp on?"

Puzzled by his request, Eiji did as he was asked. He rolled onto his side and reached his arm out so he could flip the switch on. A bright light filled their room, making Eiji's eyes sting.

Propping himself on his hands, Ash looked unsure of himself, as if he was torn between shyness and whatever it was that he wanted to do. They stayed in silence for a full minute before Ash blurted out a "Can I kiss you?". It came out as one breath and his entire face became red. He looked so adorable Eiji wanted to pinch him.

Eiji smiled at his awkwardness. "Of course. You don't have to ask me that, Ash," Eiji said, closing his eyes and angling his face so his cheek was exposed more.

Ash put a tennative hand under his chin and slowly tilted it upwards. Eiji almost jumped in surprise when his lips unexpectedly met Ash's.

He kissed him carefully and slowly, obviously insecure about what he was doing. Eiji's hands wandered to Ash's chest as he let Ash dictate the kiss. He was determined to savor every moment before they would inevitably part. The kiss was full of unsaid words and feelings words couldn't do justice to anyway.

Eiji was just a little disappointed when Ash pulled himself away and opened his eyes.

They seemed so full of stars and light Eiji could swear they were getting hard to look at. There was blush on his pale cheeks again, an enormous smile on his lips, the hard lines and rough edges of his face long gone. He looked so happy, so sincerely happy and elated, Eiji wanted to grab his camera and capture that precious moment forever.

Eiji himself was grinning like a fool too. It wasn't the first time they'd kissed on the lips, but this was the first time it felt _right_. The lips of his Ash were the sweetest thing Eiji had ever tasted in his entire life.

Eiji was so proud of Ash for making it this far. "Ash, you did it," he said, his voice shaky with excitement. "You did it," he repeated as he cupped Ash's warm face in the palm of his hands. He was smiling widely, too.

"I did it. I kissed you," he said, leaning into Eiji's hand that rested on his cheek. He put his own hand over Eiji's and gently carressed it, sending goosebumps down Eiji's spine. "Thank you for waiting for me," he said sincerely.

Eiji slowly pulled him into his chest and held him close. He was sure Ash could hear his heart hammering in his chest, but he didn't care.

His Ash kissed him because he wanted to. He kissed him. _He kissed him._ If that wasn't a good enough reason for his heart to beat like a drum, then he didn't know what was.

"You are very welcome, Ash," Eiji answered him. "How do you feel now?"

Ash looked as if he was weighing his answer. "It was nice. I think... no, I _like_ kissing you," he said. Having thought about what he'd just said, he buried his face in Eiji's pajamas and groaned in embarrassment. Eiji failed to stiffle a giggle. His lover was easily embrrassed by romance.

Eiji ran his thumb over his heated cheeks and gave him a peck. "We should go to sleep, don't you think? It's very late."

Ash nodded, and Eiji turned around once again to turn the lamp off. He laid back down and was pleasantly surprised when Ash snuggled up to him. Eiji thought his face will never lose the smile Ash brought to it.

He looped his arm around Ash's waist and started running it up and down lazily, careful not to dip too low. He carressed him gently, knowing it made his boyfriend sleepy.

He was surprised when Ash spoke. "Eiji?"

"Yes?"

He was met with more hesitating. "I... can we... I don't know if - ugh," Ash groaned in frustration.

"Sorry, I don't understand -"

Ash balled his fists into Eiji's pajamas. "I can't do more than this," he said reluctantly.

Eiji's eyebrow lifted, puzzled by what Ash was telling him. "I don't understand, Ash -"

"Sex, Eiji," Ash spat out, his voice muffled by Eiji's shirt. "I... I can't, okay? I just can't," he said, his voice shaky.

Eiji's face burned as if somebody set it on fire. "Oh... I didn't really think about... that," he said clumsily.

Ash blinked. "You never thought about sex?"

Eiji's face became a deep shade of red. "N-no, that's not what I said -"

"So you don't wanna do it with me?"

"No!" Eiji had to raise his voice. "Stop interrupting me, you dummy," he said and squeezed one of Ash's cheeks. Ash giggled, his body relaxing a little.

"I never said any of that. What I meant to say is," Eiji continued, picking his words carefully, "I am happy to just be with you. Like this. Sex or no sex," he made a pause to make sure Ash was still following him. "I love you," he smiled. "And I want you to be happy. That's all."

Ash seemed to have trouble believing him. "I think you're wrong."

"How come?"

Ash swallowed hard. "You'll change your mind after a while."

"Don't even say that," Eiji scolded him and moved his hand to cup his cheek. "I will never change my mind. Not about this. Look at me," he said, a little too forcefully, "I. Will not. Change my mind. I will never force myself on you, Ash. I will never ask you for what you can't give. I'm happy to be like this. And I want you to be, too."

Eiji could swear Ash was holding back tears. He moved so he was flush to Eiji's chest and snuggled his head in the crook of Eiji's neck. His hair tickled Eiji's nose as he held him close and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. Ash sniffled on his pajamas, hiding his face in Eiji's chest.

"It's alright darling," Eiji said, kissing his forehead. "It's alright. And you will be, too." Another kiss, and oh, how pretty he was when his cheeks became dusted with pink. Eiji tucked a strand of hair behind his ear as an excuse to touch him. He kissed his temple and tucked him in.

Ash said nothing. Eiji didn't need more words. The gentle look in Ash's eyes reminded Eiji that, for the longest time, Ash was just a boy who was shown cruelty and terror. He was a scared, innocent boy who suffered for years until he was finally free. His eyes told what he himself wasn't ready to say.

_Thank you,_ for being kind to me. _Thank you,_ for respecting my boundaries. _Thank you_, for showing me love.

_I love you._

They lay there, limbs tangled together, until they drifted off to sleep.


	22. June 1995

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello 💕
> 
> A little life update: I feel better, so hiatus is officially over! 
> 
> However, I have a job now, plus I'm still in college, plus we're in the middle of renovations of our family apartment. Because of this hectic life period, updates will likely be every two weeks or so. Depending on how busy I am, they could go every 10 days to every 14 days. I'll try to keep them in that time frame. Thank you all who decided to stick around and wait for me to get better, you're all golden 💕💖💕💕💕

Ash felt tired to the bone. His entire body was begging for sleep but he felt restless. There was a dull ache in his back and a pounding in his head due to the lack of proper sleep. He sighed, long and tired, hoping it wouldn't wake Eiji up.

It always starts like this. Or, at least that's what his therapist said.

Over time, she'd noticed patterns about Ash that he himself didn't. Ash'd never really paid himself that much attention anyway. A bad coping mechanism, she said. Divert the attention toward someone else, so they don't see the hurt. So they don't see the pain. So they don't notice the vulnerability, nor the bags under your eyes. She said he would learn how to stop doing that over time. Ash wasn't sure he believed her.

He knew he'd end up with another nightmare if he let himself fall asleep. He just did. It'd been like this for days - work, come home, spend time with Eiji, go to sleep, wake up screaming at 3 in the morning, not fall asleep until his shift starts. The bags under his eyes looked as if he'd gotten punched in the face. He hated that Eiji had them too.

It was frustrating, to say the least.

Turning so he was lying on his side, he watched Eiji as he slept. The moonlight that seeped into the room from their window was illuminating his face. His mouth was a bit open and he was snoring softly. Ash hoped he was having a good dream.

He looked like an angel, Ash thought. He tried to smile at the thought, but his lips quickly gave in and turned down. He wanted to feel happy. He wanted to feel butterflies in his stomach. He wanted to feel _Eiji_. It was hard and it seemed so far away, Ash couldn't make himself believe it could ever get better.

He didn't want to feel miserable. He wanted to believe he could be better. That he could fix the clusterfuck that his mind had become over the years of constant abuse. But he felt like nothing but a burden.

Eiji had told him on more than one occasion that Ash was to wake him up if anything bad was going on in his head. That was a promise he nagged Ash to give. That he wouldn't sit in silence and dwell on his dangerous thoughts. That he wouldn't let his mind consume him and trap him in its prison of trauma. Ash promised he would wake him up in situations like these. He gave his word, and he knew how much Eiji valued it.

But how are you to wake a person who is just as tired as you are, or even more, while knowing you are the cause of that exhaustion? How do you know if the person who offered knew that it would be this difficult? Did they know that you would be so demanding? If they did, then did they make the offer hoping the episodes would be rare? Hoping it somehow goes away without much hassle?

Ash shook his head.

Inhale.

_One._

_Two._

_Three._

Exhale.

He wouldn't go there. Not tonight. He was overthinking, he remembered. That's what it was called. When you get too wrapped up in your own head, your brain starts assuming things on its own and convincing you that they are reality. It happens to people with anxiety, and who have gone through severe traumatic experiences, Dr. Sato'd said.

Ash admired his therapist. She listened to people's problems and hardships _for a living_. And prescribed them medication and monitored their recovery. Ash was grateful for her. She was amazing, both as a doctor and as a person. She was one of the few people that he'd met in his life who was entirely fit for her job.

Deeming sleep pointless, he puffed up his pillow and made himself more comfortable. He had a nice view, if nothing else.

Ever since they'd started dating, no matter how many times he looked at Eiji it was as if he couldn't get enough of him. Ash felt as if he could look at him for eternity and never get tired of the view. He always wanted to look at his smiling face, at the small wrinkles around his eyes, at the lips that kiss him gently and lovingly.

Eiji didn't consider himself attractive nor handsome, Ash knew that much. Ash wished he was good with words - maybe then he'd be able to tell Eiji how beauty brings nothing but trouble, how it's superficial and contributes nothing to a person's worth. He'd be able to tell him that he finds him beautiful because of his kindness, because of his patience and gentle, caring nature. He'd be able to tell him that, despite what others may say, beauty he sees in magazines and on tv is overrated, and that he finds him beautiful exactly the way he is.

But Ash was terrible with words. He was trying to do better, as part of his recovery, but nobody said it was going to be easy. And it wasn't. It really wasn't.

For the upteenth night in a row, Ash was sleepless and exhausted. This was all new to him - the meds, the therapy sessions, opening up to a complete stranger. He was so, so tired, but he wasn't sad. He was... happy. He was finally happy.

He had a home. He had a person to come home to every day. He had unconditional love and support.

Ten years ago, Ash Lynx had a reason to survive. Now, ten years later, Aslan Callenreese had a reason to keep living.

Unable to resist, he ruffled Eiji's bedhead with his hand, careful not to wake him. Eiji made content little noises in his sleep, and Ash found them so adorable he wanted to kiss his entire face. Grinning widely to himself, he shuffled under the covers so he was spooning Eiji. He wrapped his arms around Eiji's waist and rested his face in the crook of his neck.

This was where he belonged, he realized. This was where he was safe, wrapped around the most important person in his life. His eyelids grew heavier and heavier, before a rumble from Eiji's chest stirred him awake.

"A-shu?" Came a low, groggy voice.

"Shh, go back to sleep," said Ash and kissed his temple. "You need to rest."

Eiji turned around and wiped at his sleepy eyes. He stood up in bed and looked down where Ash was lying, arms still coiled around his waist. His eyes were sleepy, but Ash could see worry etched in them.

"I wasn't having a nightmare," he tried reassuring him. "I just can't sleep. Don't worry about me so much, you'll go bald," he said, ruffling Eiji's hair some more. It was just a shameless excuse to touch him, really. Eiji awarded him with an adorable, sleepy chuckle.

"Go back to sleep, Eiji. I love you."

The moment those words left his mouth Ash's eyes went wide.

It was so simple.

It came so naturally. Because he did. He did love him. He'd loved him since the very beginning, but back then he didn't know it yet. And now, it came so effortlessly, without second guesses or doubts.

He loved him.

And as Eiji smiled in the darkness of their room, Ash knew what he was going to say.

"I love you too."  
  



	23. September 1995

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS BITCH IS ALIVE.
> 
> I found it hard to come back to writing so have this 5k chapter as an apology 😅 it's not quite as good as i intended it to be but eh. It's all i could muster at this point.
> 
> Thank you all who keep commenting on my work 💕 you guys are the reason I keep comming back and updating, even if sporadically. Thank you!!!

  
I

Ash's week had been... good. That was unusual.

Not that he was opposed to the idea of peaceful sleep, no, he just found it odd. His nightmares were a lot more mild, and he didn't wake Eiji up when he got up to the bathroom to freshen up a bit. As far as Ash was concerned, that was a win.

He considered himself lucky. He found an amazing therapist on the first go. He didn't know much about other people's experiences, but he had a feeling not everyone's doctor was quite as good as Dr. Sato.

_When he first walked in through her door, the first thing he noticed was all the drawings hung up around her office. You could barely make out the chipping white paint of the walls in the small gap between them. She had them _everywhere_ \- the walls, the window, hanging off shelves, stacked on her desk, and he got the feeling there was even more. She saw him eyeing them and chuckled at him. <"These masterpieces were made by my youngest patients,"> she said, her lips stretching out in a wide smile._

_Ash couldn't help but smile back. He remembered the little girl who was here before him. How she wanted to be an elephant who paints. He wondered if she left a drawing for the doctor too._

_Dr. Sato was one of those people who had a smile so bright you couldn't help but be drawn to her. She was a frail-looking lady in her late fourties, with smile lines etched all around her eyes and mouth. Her eyes were small and dark, but kind. Her entire presence radiated a motherly tenderness, and Ash couldn't help himself but feel warm around her. She had this knack of making people feel welcome - even Ash, who was wary of everyone who wasn't Eiji. _

_He swallowed hard, reality crashing back in._

_That's why he was here in the first place, he remembered. He didn't want to be wary any more. He didn't want to be afraid. He didn't want to make Eiji's life miserable. He wanted to be good for him and take his life back into his own hands._

_<"You can sit down if you like,"> Dr. Sato said, jolting Ash out of his thoughts. Scraping her own chair on the floor, she settled down and took a pen. <"I just need a moment to fill out this paperwork and we'll get started. Please make yourself comfortable.">_

_Ash nodded wordlessly and remained standing. Now that he was here, now that he was doing this, he suddenly couldn't calm down. He felt jittery and trapped. He didn't understand what was happening to him._

_She is _just_ a doctor. A _doctor.

_He tried reasoning with himself but it was fruitless._

_Deep breath. Take a deep breath. Inhale. Exhale._

_The little trick Eiji taught him wasn't working. His brain felt shut off from rational thought. Hjs instinct kept screaming at him to bolt out of the stuffy office and go straight home. Before he knew it, his breathing was becoming erratic. The door was closed, but unlocked. The window seemed old, so it shouldn't be too hard to break through -_

_Dr. Sato cleared her throat loudly, bringing him back to reality._

_<"Feel free to open the door if that will make you more comfortable. The same goes for the window. You can even feed Neko-chan.">_

_Ash felt dumbstruck. His mind came to a sudden halt. Neko-chan?_

_Dr. Sato blinked at him for several seconds before she facepalmed herself. <"You... are not a child. I forgot.">_

_At that, Ash burst out laughing. Dr. Sato giggled with him._

_He was a grown man. He was twenty-eight. This lady was adorable._

_Mwrrrrp._

_Before Ash could register it, a giant, fat cat appeared at the window and kept bonking its chubby head on the glass. _

_<"Neko-chan!"> Dr. Sato exclaimed and practically jumped out of her seat. She slid the window open and scratched behind the cat's ears. She appeared so young in spirit that it was hard for Ash to remember she was old enough to be his mother. The cat purred and rolled over on its back, eyeing Ash curiously with small green eyes. _

_It was a well cared for cat, that much was obvious. She was nicely groomed and well-behaved, but had no collar. _

_<"This little sweetheart is my assistant,"> she elaborated. <"Most of my patients are 10 or younger, and whenever they see Neko-chan they immediately want to pet her and give her treats.">_

_Well that explained a lot. If Ash didn't know any better, he'd think she was pregnant with kittens. _

_<"You should really put her on a diet,"> Ash said, hating how small his voice sounded. <"That _can't _be good for her.">_

_Dr. Sato sighed._

_<"I _tried_. She always finds out where I keep her food. I once walked in here only to find an open window, a half empty bag of cat food, and a passed out Neko-chan next to it. She ate half a bag and had to get her stomach pumped out,"> she said exasparatedly. Neko-chan purred innocently on the window sill. <"She's a glutten but I love her very much,"> she said and smiled that wide, kind-old-lady smile. <"Do you have any pets?">_

Ash chuckled at the memory. Dr. Sato was the best thing that happened to him in a long time. She calmed him down and eased him into the whole process of opening up almost effortlessly on his very first day of therapy.

It's been several months since Ash had started attending sessions and if he was being completely honest, he was tired to the bone. Yes, his week was good. No, that does not mean he wasn't exhausted from doing assignments Dr. Sato gave him, from staying up at night, from having flashbacks.

His standards for what a good week is were a little different. A good week for him meant he was able to enjoy what he called "Eiji time".

He'd never, _ever_ admit that Eiji turned him into the biggest sap known to mankind, but that was so painfully true it hurt. He was spoiling Ash rotten and now it had gotten to the point where Ash absolutely _had_ to separate a part of his day to enjoy Eiji's presence, otherwise he'd go nuts.

Sometimes, Eiji time was kissing until he couldn't contain his laughter. Or letting Eiji run his fingers through his hair. Or Eiji tickling him senseless, until they were both out of breath. Other times, it was lying in his lap and reading a book. Or sitting next to each other, not touching at all, enjoying a silent evening.

Sometimes, Ash found it hard to enjoy Eiji time. Seeing the large bags under his eyes, the tired slouch in his shoulders and hearing him yawn at 9pm out of sheer exhaustion made Ash hate himself a little.

On a good week, he didn't hate himself. On a good week, he managed to fight off the suffocating feeling of guilt that he always had hanging over his head. On a good week, Eiji time meant _Ash_ was able to enjoy giving Eiji attention.

Ash loved it when he could get Eiji to giggle. It was, in his not so humble opinion, the most adorable sound he ever had the priviledge of hearing. He loved his carefree, bubbly laughter more than anything else in the world.

He yawned, rubbing at his itchy eyes. It was late, and they both should've been in bed a long time ago, but Ash wanted to finish his essay for Dr. Sato and Eiji insisted on waiting for him.

He cast a quick glance at the couch, where Eiji was fast asleep. His chest rose and fell peacefully, hair already messy and tousled.

Ash smiled at the sight.

II

Ash'd been working as a librarian's assistant for about a month when it happened.

His boss was a man in his late fifties and when Ash'd first come in looking for employment, he practically begged him to take the job. He walked around with a cane, and could no longer climb the shelves to put books away, due to a back injury he suffered. His joints weren't getting any younger, he joked. His name was Takahashi Hibiki, or Takahashi-san, as Ash called him.

Ash liked him. He gave the impression of a man who loved his job dearly. They would talk about books, discuss different works, debate over whether Shakespeare was an idiot or a genius (Ash still claims the guy was an idiot, but there was no convincing an old man like Takahashi-san). Overall, he liked that old man. He reminded him of Max in some ways.

The pay wasn't all that great but Ash got to read all day long, had somebody pleasant to share lunch with, and overall, he was content. Libraries held a special place in his heart, after all. The NY Public Library was his safe haven for years on end. It was the place he was never abused at, where he had a chance to lose himself in the world of fiction, and momentarily forget about his own existence.

He loved libraries. And they were much better to work in than cafés filled with giggling college girls, in his opinion. It was peaceful in here. Peaceful, but not lonely, which was a nice change.

However, no matter where Ash was, his trauma seemed to follow.

As nice and fatherly as Takahashi-san was, when he went to clap Ash on the back without him noticing somebody approaching, Ash did a complete double take.

The books he was holding fell to the ground with a loud thump.

No scream left his throat, but a punch flew so fast towards Takahashi-san's jaw that he had no time to think it over.

His fist collided with man's face, and he cried out in pain as he fell to the ground from the impact. He crashed loudly onto a shelf, and hit his head on the hard wood.

The force of sheer will kept Ash from jumping at his throat.

He couldn't breathe.

He couldn't think.

_NoNoNoNoNoNo_

_Don'thithim. Don'thithim._

Ash could barely hear. He could barely register the fear on Takahashi-san's face.

<"Ash, please stop, I'm sorry -"> the man weeped from the floor, trying to get himself up from where he fell. His voice was shaky and his knees buckled when he tried to get up, but Ash's eyes had a hard time focusing on him. He was seeing someone else. Someone else's hands just touched him.

He hated it. Hated them. Hated _all_ of them.

<"Ash, please, I'm hurt -">

Ash stood there, his heart painfully contracting in his chest, fighting for his breath.

_NoNoNoNoNo_

_Youhithimyouhithimyoumonster_

_<"ASH!"> _he yelled in desperation, and it was exactly what Ash needed to bring him back to the harsh reality.

He was still short of breath but when he blinked he could see.

His eyes went wide.

_<"Sir!"> _Ash screamed and bolted to help him up. There was blood streaming down his face, presumably from his nose. Ash crouched down and slung his arm over his shoulder, mutterring apologies as fast as he could.

Ash hated it. He hated it all.

He had attacked an innocent man.

<"I'm so, so sorry sir, forgive me, I'm sorry -"> he kept chanting, feeling guilter than ever before. The man winced when Ash picked him up amd supported him to stand.

<"I'm so sorry sir, let me help you. I'm so sorry -">

<"No, no, I surprised you, it's my fault,"> he managed to squeeze out. <"Help me get into one of the chairs, please,"> he said and motioned to the row of seats right across from where they were standing. Ash let him rest his weight on him and slowly walked him to the nearest chair. He let him sit down and rushed to their staff bathroom to fetch the first aid kit.

He was silent as he disinfected several small cuts and stopped the bleeding from his nose. He was gonna lose the job, he was certain. But more importantly - he _hurt _a person who meant no harm.

He felt like crying. He wanted Takahashi-san to yell at him. Kick him out. Call him a monster. He would've found it easier to cope with than with the silence.

He had no idea what to say to him. _'I'm sorry I punched you, it's because I thought you were about to assault me'_ was out of the question.

He sighed, a heavy feeling in his stomach. <"You're all cleaned up sir."> He paused, swallowing hard. <"I have no explanation to give you. I will see myself out.">

<"Nonsense.">

Ash thought he didn't hear right.

<"Excuse me?">

<"You have nothing to be sorry for. I shouldn't have tried to touch you when you couldn't see me. I'm sorry,"> Takahashi-san said apologetically. Ash couldn't believe his ears. <"You must have went through something bad if you react like that when somebody touches you. I am sorry I caused a bad reaction from you. It won't happen again.">

Ash was dumbfounded. There was a pounding in his ears. His heart was beating hard. <"I... I don't know what to say sir. I'm sorry I harmed you -">

Takahashi-san waved his hand in the air to shush him. <"No need to apologize,"> he smiled, wrinkles around his eyes more apparent. Something in Ash told him he understood.

It was oddly comforting.

<"My late wife was sensitive to touching. I was the only one with the priviledge,"> he said and giggled, a nostalgic look in his eyes. <"She survived a tough home. It made her dislike being touched. So I understand, I really do.">

<"I'm sorry -">

<"Tsk tsk, all you do boy, is apologize,"> he chided, <"take the day off. Go home and rest, and have that boy you like make you some tea.">

Ash almost choked. <"What?">

<"Don't think I haven't noticed how that boy - Eiji was it? - looks at you when he comes to pick you up. And how you look at him. Ah, young love...">

That... was not what Ash was expecting. Takahashi-san had surprised him many times in only one afternoon.

<"I... thank you sir. Thank you,"> Ash said, hoping he sounded as grateful as he felt. He couldn't believe what he heard - but he knew it was true. Takahashi-san was a loving man, that was obvious to everyone who met him, but this was one of the first times that Ash had fully grasped just how much compassion a person can have for another.

Takahashi-san looked at him with so much kindness Ash wasn't sure what to do. He wasn't used to it, unless it was coming from Eiji.

<"Look after yourself and that's enough thanks for me. And bring me my cane back please - it should be near the shelf.">

Ash nodded and brought his cane back. He agreed to go home once he was sure Takahashi-san could move around properly and stand without his help.

After about another half an hour of apologies, thank yous and Takahashi-san's loud monologues on how beautiful it is to be young and in love, Ash was convinced enough that he hadn't caused a serious injury and that Takahashi-san didn't need an ambulance. He was a bit shaken up and there was definitely gonna be a bruise on his left cheek tomorrow, but other than that, he was alright. And thank God, or Ash wouldn't know how to handle it. He already felt guilty. Had he done serious damage to this poor old man's health he'd find it hard to forgive himself.

He took his coat and checked the time. 2pm - three more hours until Eiji came home from work.

He bid Takahashi-san goodbye and went outside. Three hours was enough for Ash to properly stop shaking and to take a painkiller - his head was throbbing from the stress. He couldn't quite process what'd just happened. It was all a little too much.

He felt as if all strength left his body. He wanted to curl up into a ball and forget this day ever happened.

He boarded the bus that would take him home, and thank the heavens, there was an empty seat for him near one of the windows. Leaning his head against the cold glass, he closed his eyes and fought back tears.

He didn't even know why he wanted to cry. He still had a job. His boss wasn't mad at him. He wasn't seriously hurt. Hell, he even apologized _to Ash _for startling him.

And yet.... Ash felt messed up and ashamed of himself. How could he face Takahashi-san tomorrow? How could he face Eiji later tonight, and tell him what happened?

Eiji would understand, he was sure. But somehow, understanding was worse.

He deserved to be yelled at and -

_<"You might have relapses. It is normal and expected, but they can last for a long time and make you unstable, mentally,"> Dr. Sato'd said. <'That brilliant head of yours can be a menace sometimes. You have to look after it.">_

_She took a piece of paper and scribbled something on it, then handed it to Ash. Puzzled, he took the paper and realized a phone number was written on it. _

_<"I want you to give me a call when they happen. Immediately. Do not hesitate.">_

_Ash's eyes widened in surprise._

_<"I can't do that -">_

_<"And yet I'm asking you to,"> she said firmly._

_<"But what if you have a patient already?">_

_<"If I have a patient already in session, you'll wait until they're done. You'll be next to come in,"> she said, clearly exasparated at him. <"Call me, alright? Can you do that for me?">_

_Ash hesitated to answer. He knew about relapses. He never had someone besides Eiji help him when they happen._

_'Eiji isn't my therapist._ She _is my therapist,' Ash reminded himself._

_<"Okay,"> he said reluctantly, pocketing her number away. <"I'll give you a call.">_

He fished his cell phone out of his pocket and punched in the number on the small keyboard. He felt uneasy about it, and too tired to think straight, but if there was one thing that he wanted more than anything else in the world - it was for the past to stop messing with his present.

He took a deep breath and before he could convince himself otherwise, he pressed the dial button. He'd promised he'd call, after all.

III

Eiji wasn't really sure if what he was about to do was for the best, but he was, for lack of a better word, out of ideas.

Ash was struggling again. And Eiji didn't know how to help this time.

Ash told him about the incident at the library, and while Eiji did his very best to cheer him up and talk to him, he didn't feel like it registered. Ash felt distant. Eiji would often catch him lost deep in thought, eyes unfocused and clearly not in the mood to do anything.

Eiji felt....a lot of things for his condition. He was sad, first and foremost. His heart broke a little every time he saw Ash with his jade eyes staring into empty space, knowing that ultimately, there was nothing he could do to help him except be there for him and be patient.

What sometimes surprised Eiji, was how _angry_ he got.

Not at Ash. He was bratty and obnoxious sometimes sure, but it wasn't Ash he was angry at. Come to think of it... Eiji wasn't sure whom he was mad at, exactly. The monsters who did this to him? Fate, for being written this way for him? The gods, for standing by and letting it happen? Jim, Ash's father, for not being there for his son when it happened the first time?

He shook his head.

Undirected anger was poisonous for him. It didn't even matter, in the end. The monsters who hurt them both could no longer get to them. They were undoing what was done to Ash together, and that was more important than anything.

The door gave a slight creak when he walked into the shelter. There was a small reception area and several separate rooms, presumably where the rescues were being kept. It was... a lot more quiet than Eiji expected it to be. He expected to hear enthusiastic barking, chirping, meowing, the sound of paws on the cold floor. But there was barely any sounds at all.

It seemed awfully lonely.

After greeting the receptionist who seemed like he was bored out of his mind, Eiji was taken to the room where they kept rescue cats. He never really asked Ash about it, but he knew him well enough to think of him as a cat person.

He didn't really know how to make Ash feel better at this point. And he had no idea if this would work. But he thought maybe Ash could use something nice to focus on for a change. He had a rough idea of what kind of a kitty he was looking for - it didn't necessarily need to be cute but he wanted one that liked cuddles and demanded a lot of attention.

When the receptionist opened the door though, Eiji's heart squeezed at the sight.

Dozens and dozens of cats, of various ages and appearances, looked so apathetic and given up on life that he couldn't help but want to bring them all home. It was a heartbreaking sight.

<"If you want me to take out one of them from the cages, let me know,"> the receptionist told him.

<"I will, thank you.">

And so, Eiji started looking. Several kitties took notice of him, but most were indifferent.

_Mwrrrp._

It echoed in the room, but when Eiji turned around, he couldn't pinpoint where it came from.

_Meoow! Meow!_

He kept walking up and down the rows of cages, looking for the cat that was producing such gentle little noises. The mews were so soft and tiny he assumed they were coming from a kitten.

At the very bottom cage at the end of the room, he saw a pitch black cat poking its head through the bars. When he locked eyes with it, it started meowing and meeping excitedly, poking its paws out and not letting Eiji out of it sight.

He crouched down and let it sniff his hand.

He giggled when it tried to snuggle its head in his palm and hit her head on the bar.

<"Aren't you a little sweetheart,"> he said, scratching it behind the ears.

Eiji could immediately tell why they put it away in such a secluded part of the room. The cat was missing a tail and had a distorted face that looked as if something big and aggressive had chewed on it. They probably put it away because nobody ever wanted it.

That was sad, Eiji thought.

Carefully, he opened its cage and hoped the bored receptionist wouldn't mind. The cat immediately went to rub itself on his leg, purring and meowing more intensely than before. Eiji kept petting it and calling it baby names and he just knew.

He knew he'd be taking it home.

IV

Ash was starting to get worried. Eiji wasn't answering his cell phone and it was already 7pm.

Just as he was considering calling the police, he heard the familiar *_click_* of the doors opening and Eiji was there. Ash jumped off the couch and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Eiji quite _obviously_ hiding a huge box behind his back.

"Hi Ash!" Eiji said innocently. He crossed the short distance between them and tiptoed so he could give Ash a kiss on the cheek. Ash was a little late to respond though. He's been a little late to respond to everything lately.

"Whacha got there?" Ash asked curiously.

Eiji smiled at him kindly. There was excitement written all over his face. "Let's sit down so I can show you, okay?"

They quickly sat down on the living room couch, Ash momentarily forgetting about his worries.

Eiji cleared his throat, still hiding the box behind his back. "Ash, I know... that lately you haven't been feeling well."

_'Not feeling well'_ was the understatement of the year but Ash didn't want to correct him. He nodded silently, letting Eiji continue.

"I know it's hard for you and I know you're struggling every day. I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you," he blushed as he said the words. Ash felt his own face heating up at the sentiment. Eiji was such a sweetheart. "So I -"

_Mwrrrrrp._

Ash's eyes went wide. He thought he didn't hear that right.

"You _traitor_," Eiji said dramatically to the box behind his back. "I had a speech prepared!"

That did it for Ash. He burst out laughing and just as he did, a black kitten flopped itself out of the box and meowed _very_ loudly from behind Eiji. Eiji scooped it in his hands and pouted as he put it diwn in his lap.

"Well that went great. This little gremlin is too excited to meet you apparently."

God, Ash could smother his pouty face in kisses right now. He was so adorable. Ash hadn't laughed like that in weeks.

He couldn't stop laughing. There was really nothing funny. But laughter kept bubbling out of his chest. Eiji started laughing with him and sat closer, so their legs were touching.

The kitten could _not_ sit still. It wiggled out of Eiji's hands and curiously sniffed Ash. It put its paws on his chest and started purring so loudly its entire body vibrated. It was a girl, Ash realized. A small female kitty.

"So you're a cat dad now?" He asked jokingly.

"Nope. _You_ are a cat dad now."

Ash felt dumbfounded.

"What do you mean?"

"I got her for you, stupid."

Ash couldn't close his mouth. His past few weeks were.... rough, to say the least. Nothing could make him happy. He hadn't showered in a while. He felt hazy, as if a fog was hanging over his mind, numb and disconnected, and at times, he found existing very, _very _difficult.

He had never expected such a nice surprise. Warmth filled his chest and for the first time in days, he felt like a human again. As the kitty nibbled on the hem of his shirt he felt so ridiculously happy and loved he wanted to cry.

"You... got her for me? For me? I have a kitty?" He squeezed out of his throat. It was so silly. It was just a cat. And it was just Eiji. But Eiji and a cat brought back his will to live and keep fighting back.

Eiji reached a hand to cup his cheek. He stroked it with his thumb gently. "Yes sweetheart. I got her for you. I'm proud of you."

Ash couldn't think of something to say so he leaned in and gave Eiji a kiss so loving he hoped it conveyed what his words couldn't. He kissed his lips gently, the way he knew Eiji liked it, careful not to crush the kitten that rested between the two of them.

When they parted, Ash couldn't stop looking at Eiji. He held his gaze and stroked his hair, hoping his actions spoke for themselves.

Ash was grateful. He felt so loved and well taken care of it was impossible to describe.

He often found it hard to say those words.

But then again, he's been through harder things lately.

He inhaled deeply. "Eiji.... thank you so much. I love you. I.... suck at words, but I appreciate everything you do for me you know?" His voice shook as he spoke. The kitten snuggled up in his lap, reminding him that she was still there, and Ash immediately felt a little comforted. "Thank you so much Eiji," he said, hoping he sounded as grateful as he felt.

Eiji leaned in and kissed his forehead, then pulled him into a hug. "I know baby. I love you too." Another kiss on his forehead. His cheeks were next.

"How are you gonna name her?" Eiji asked between kissing him and breathing.

Ash didn't have to think twice.

"_Goku_."

Eiji stopped kissing him abruptly.

"You are _not_ naming our cat Goku."

"It's _my_ cat last time I checked," he said smugly, earning himself a smack on the head.

"You're so stupid and have no taste. I can't believe I like you."

"Oh sorry? I forgot who's the one with ugly duck shirts in this house?"

"It's _Nori_ and he's _not_ ugly!"

"Says who?"

"Me!"

"Then prepare to _die_," Ash exclaimed and took Goku in his hands, her front paws in one hand and her back in the other.

"BAM!" he pretended to shoot Eiji with his brand new cat-gun.

"Oooh so scaryyyy Goku killed me oooh noooo, I'm dyiiing," Eiji fake-died, or in the words of normal human beings, he let himself fall back onto the couch and lay there.

After an entire evening of playing with Goku and a quick trip to the pet store, they were both out of energy. They made sure Goku had food and water waiting for her when she woke up, and went to get ready for bed.

Ash snuggled himself closer to Eiji. He tucked his head under his chin, even though he was taller. He liked it this way. He felt protected and safe.

Gentle lips touched the very top of his head. He smiled and pecked Eiji's neck in response.

"I'm so happy you like Goku," Eiji said and Ash chuckled.

"You do realize I was joking right? I'm not actually gonna name my cat Goku."

Eiji pinched his cheek. "You. Are. An asshole. I _just_ accepted that name!"

Ash grinned mishieviously. "Want me to keep changing it every day? Anything for you, _dear,_" he teased.

Eiji poked him in his side. "Asshole."

"You love me anyway."

"I do! Now go to sleep already!" He untangled himself from Eiji, giving him a little room. As much as they loved snuggling, it was way too hot under the covers to fall asleep like that. They fell into a comfortable silence, lying next to each other but not sleepy yet.

"I'm naming her 'Sweetie'," Ash said. "So she will always remind me of you."

Ash never thought he saw a smile so wide on Eiji's face before. Under the covers, Eiji found his hand and brought it to his lips, placing a tender kiss on Ash's knuckles.

"_Sweetie_. I love it."


End file.
